# aphorisms file ; :!sort -u % | diff - % ; :!diff /s/peter/utilities/aphorisms % | pg
%DCL-E-NOCFFE, unable to locate coffee - keyboard input suspended
'Fine.' is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
'I'd do alright as a long distance swimmer.' 'Yes, but you might get harpooned!'
'Maintanance' is a speeling mistake.
'Oh joy', said the fatted calf, 'the young master has returned.'
's ma<glottal_stop>er, Pe<glottal_stop>er?
*** /// (5, 3, 7)
0 no a q, I 8 2 q b 4 I p!
1 1 was 1 horse & 2 2 was 1 2. 1 1 1 1 race & 2 2 1 1 2.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbour's Pentium.
16000 kilograms and what do you get?
170,141,183,460,469,231,731,687,303,715,884,105,727
186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
195% of everything is crud.
1997. The international year of the pratt.
2 + 2 = 5 for really large values of 2
2 is not equal to 3 - not even for large values of 2.
2,000 metres above stress level.
2.414km, 2.414km, 2.414km onward, into the valley of death rode the 6E2.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
640 K should be enough for anybody - Bill Gates 1981
6:30am:sure the bar will be open, losts of people fly at that time for a drink.
668: The neighbour of the beast.
834-0404
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
9W (The answer to `Mr Wagner, does your name start with a V ?')
:-)
:1,$s/shepp/bast/g
:wq
<a href=mailto:FABvirgil@xtra.co.nz?subject=ScienceFiction>Steve Fisher</a>
<snip>
=/:-)=    Abe Lincoln
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday in the church hall. Music will follow.
A beginning, a middle and an end.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with her.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as after.
A camel is a horse designed by committee.
A celebrity is a person who is known for her well-knownness.
A chimp needs a chump.
A city is a large community where people are lonely together.
A classic is something that we all want to have read and nobody wants to read.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mind in a closed body.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day in the life of big Ralph's trousers. Part I. The preparation.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A day without sunshine is like, night
A dead body revenges not injuries.
A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy.
A different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A diva who specialises in risque arias is an off-colouratura soprano.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
A fanatic is one who can't change her mind and won't change the subject.
A father is more pleased to have his child look like him than act like him.
A fool and her money are soon parted.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
A fool sees not the same wise man that a wise man sees.
A fool smokes not the same tobacco that a wise man smokes.
A fool talks not the same crap that a wise man talks.
A fool will not give up what she cannot keep to gain what she cannot lose.
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
A friend suffering from intestinal problems had an operation and now has a ;
A friend thinks of you when all others are thinking of themselves.
A frog in time doesn't save a thing.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
A good listener is not only popular, but after a while knows something.
A good listener with a butt is the surest way to a brighter tomorrow.
A good listener without a but is the surest way to a brighter tomorrow.
A good newspaper, I suppose, is a nation talking to itself.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A handful of friends costs more than a wagon of gold.
A handful of friends is worth more than a hat full of teeth.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
A hasty man drinks tea with a fork.
A hollow tooth aches.
A hollow voice says `plugh!'
A house full of trousers is joy to the Lord.
A kindness done today is the surest way to a brighter tomorrow.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.
A lie would make no sense, unless the truth were felt to be dangerous.
A little distance goes a long way.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A loving act between two, or more, consenting adults.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A man needs a maid.
A man who has been bitten by a snake is afraid of a rope.
A man without a bicycle is like a woman without a fish.
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
A million here, a million there, next thing you know it's big money.
A moment's thought can save a hat full of soap.
A moment's thought can save a lifetime's misery.
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
A patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices the system works.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
A person is just about as big as the things that make her angry.
A person's a person, no matter how small.
A perversion to listen intently (5, 2, 4, 4)
A pessimist is someone who looks both ways when crossing a one-way street.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A piece of cake.
A pint of clear water weights a pound and a quarter.
A pony! But I don't know where it's hiding.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything-a good reason and the real one.
A riot is at bottom the language of the unheard.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
A room temperature IQ.
A sharpened stick does not a warrior make.
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
A spec that will not fit on one page of 8.5" x 11" paper cannot be understood.
A stick in time saves nine.
A stitch in time saves nine.
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
A strolling gnome gathers no floss.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A suicide note and a dream ticket for the politically correct.
A tidy desk is the sign of a sick mind.
A toast to alcohol. The cause, and solution to all our problems.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A typical day starts with Helen Clark interviewing herself on morning report.
A vacuum is miles better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A walrus is only as good as its last hat.
A watched pot never boils.
A weakness which cannot be expressed in an aphorism should not be mentioned.
A week is a long time in politics, and at work.
A week is a long time in politics.
A whinge in times saves 9.
A whore! A whore! My condom for a whore!
A witty saying proves nothing.
A woman who makes a big splash may be a man who has gone overboard.
A woman with a woman is like a fish with a fish.
A woman without a banana is like a fish without a banana.
A woman without a banana is like a fish without a bicycle.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A woman without a man is like a woman without a man.
A word about comments - no comment!!!
A world without Oily Jim is not a complete waste of time.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
A year ago, the web was almost silent, but that's not true any more.
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
AAAAA: Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
ABCD goldfish MNO goldfish SDR goldfish RDL goldfish
ADD 1 TO FROM-DATE-INPUT GIVING TO-DATE-INPUT.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Aardvarks are not ferocious animals, for aardvark never killed anybody.
Abandon all hope of a useful reply!
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
Absolutely Positively Wellington
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Access denied--nah nah na nah na na!
Accidents cause History.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are worthless.
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
Accredited specialists in deer transportation.
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
Acdcients will happpen.
Acid - better living through chemistry.
Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess reality.
Acting is a fart which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Add gin to vermouth giving martini.
Add man to woman, divide legs, multiply.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you.
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Advert for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Advice would be more acceptable if it didn't always conflict with our plans.
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After attempt on John Major, 50 million people help police with their enquiries.
After three days, fish and visitors begin to stink.
Afternoon very favourable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Afternoon: Part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Against stupidity, The Gods Themselves contend in vain.
Ah reckon.
Ah, the insight of hindsight.
Ah, well, then, I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.
Aho Weinberger Kernighan.
Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're trying to be so quiet.
Ain't that half the the truth!
Ain't that the truth!
Air is water with holes in it.
Alas, I am dying, as I have lived. beyond my means.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
Alea iacta est.
Alex Haley was adopted!
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in NYC, still waiting for a dial tone.
All Blacks' focus on rugby only.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All cats are grey in the dark.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All creatures have within them the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
All flesh is grass.
All for one and one for all.
All generalisations are false.
All laws are basically false.
All loonies were created equal.
All mimsy were the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe.
All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
All our customer service representatives are currently on a call.
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All that programmer testing bullshit.
All that you wanted to know about Unix but were afraid to ask.
All the better for seeing your bright, smiling face.
All the easy problems have been solved.
All the good ones are taken.
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
All things must pass.
All this coffee drinking will be the urination of me.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All wholesome food is caught without a net or a trap.
Alone: In bad company.
Alpha: Greek for 'doesn't work'
Although a typical gin swilling evangelist, he was shorter than average.
Always be ready to speak your mind, and a base man will avoid you.
Always do one thing less than you think you can do.
Always let your conscience be your guide.
Always look on the bright side of life.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always remember your potential is unlimited, then strive to reach it.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them.
Am I right?
Amazing work.
Amazing! It really IS a hoonmobile!
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Amnesia used to be my favourite word, but then I forgot it.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than her doctor.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
An expert avoids small errors while sweeping on to grand fallacy.
An eye for an eye.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An idiot can face a crisis - it's this day-to-day living that wears you out.
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
An optimist is a person who takes action, who moves out ahead of the crowd.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
And I think to myself, `what a wonderful world'.
And I'll tell you why.
And Robert's your mother's brother...
And a blackcurrant juice for Ian please!
And a money-back guarantee (with proof of purchase).
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And good ol' boys drinking rum & coke singing `this'll be the day that I croak'.
And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
And the Invisible Man replied `I don't know who it was but it didn't half hurt!'
And the doctor said `It's not unusual'.
And the horse you rode in on.
And we'll have khaki coloured bastards by the score.
And what can he do about it? Nothing.
And where does the number you first thought of fit into the scheme of things?
And while a well fed American rabbits on - a little girl waits.
Angels we have heard on High tell us to go out and buy.
Anne Zac has nothing at all to do with ANZAC day.
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already slippery enough.
Another day older and deeper in debt.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Antap, ananit, hemi semak nomo.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Anxiety is fear of oneself.
Any clod can have the facts, but having openings is a fart.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
Any colour so long as it's black.
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Any generation that didn't have Al Jolson in it can't be all bad.
Any news from the garage yet Pete?
Any problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any tool when dropped rolls into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
Any way the whinge blows.
Any way the wind blows.
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody want some pushcorn? There's stacks of it.
Anybody who doesn't slow down at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have her head examined.
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
Anyone who isn't confused doesn't really understand the situation.
Anyone who thinks that the Bible is the word of God has obviously not read it.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Anything that can be put into a nutshell belongs there.
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.
Aphorism: short pithy maxim
April is the cruellest month.
Arabs buying up my home town and you still complain about the weather.
Arbeit macht frei.
Are Friends Electric?
Are r argh !
Are r argh ah !
Are you a coat hanger?
Are you getting enough?
Arfle barfle gloop?
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
Arts, Books and Sports bore me.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As Irish as a bomb on a bus.
As Zeus said to Narcissus, `Watch yourself.'
As a computer I find your faith in technology amusing.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
As the Lone Ranger said on reaching Canada, `Onto Toronto pronto, Tonto!'
As the actress said to the bishop.
As the air to a bird or the sea to a fish, so is contempt to the contemptible.
As the air to a fish or the sea to a camel, so is contempt to the contemptible.
As the horse counts pillows, so God rewards prayers.
As the plow follows words, so God rewards prayers.
As we can't write internationalisation or internationalization, we write i18n.
As you get old it gets floppy and lifeless.
Ask and it shall be given - for example, $4,000,000 for a shonky TV station.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.
Ask your boss to reconsider - it's so hard to take `Go to hell' for an answer.
Ask your local Jesus franchise for further details.
Asleep east of Eden (2, 3, 4, 2, 3)
Ass: The masculine of `lass'.
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
At last! Cyanide without that dreadful taste!
At least I thought I was dancing, until somebody stepped on my hand.
At least it's a lovely day outside!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Attitudes are more important than facts.
Auckland girl born and bred, strong in heart thick in head.
Auckland still lives. God must be dead.
Auckland: The Lagos of the South Pacific.
Auckland: The mating ground of the list MP.
Auckland: You either like it, or you were not born there.
Auckland? Yes, I spent a week there one day.
Aucklanders are people too. Yeah right.
Australian, "Bullfrog, that's a funny name. I'd have called it a Chuzzwuzza."
Aunty Rower, two heads?
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
Avoid blue food.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Avoid shame but do not seek glory - nothing is so expensive as glory.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
BE ALERT! (The world needs more lerts...)
BLISS is ignorance.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Baboomavic!
Baby on board something something Bert Ward. Wow this songs writing itself.
Back to schooldays.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^-,VbKx   NO CARRIER
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Baisse-moi, Monsieur?
Baldric, you have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Bank error in your favour. Collect $200.
Bar steward.
Bashful Doc Dopey Grumpy Happy Sleepy Sneezy.
Basically New Zealand doesn't have a railway culture.
Bathed in shades of mediocrity.
Batteries not included.
Bbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrpppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
Be creative instantly.
Be different: conform.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! It won't get any better so get used to it.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Be your own revolution.
Beard Effluent Removal.
Beati mundo corde.
Beauty's only skin deep, but ugly's to the bone.
Because Y's a crooked letter.
Because he's my newt.
Because it rhymes with 'bank manager'.
Because the chain is longer.
Because they tell you what to buy, you do.
Because you look like Dustin Hoffman in drag.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, bought the hat.
Beep beep beep. The time is now ten o'clock, ten past ten at the latest.
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.
Before you continue criticising it, may I mention that this was in fact my idea.
Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Being a layman, you can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four.
Being bisexual immediately doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
Being black feels good, and playing golf is the next step up.
Benificiary fraud is rife. Some beneficiaries are living off the system.
Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
Bert Cladbong is wearing Ronald Reagan's hair.
Bert Cladbong's real name is Paul Holmes.
Best file compression around: rm -r * = 100% compression
Beta: Greek for 'still doesn't work'
Better late than never, but better never late.
Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.
Better three bullets in the buttocks than one in the head.
Better to have him inside the tent p*ssing out, than outside p*ssing in.
Better to live one day as a tiger than a thousand years as a sheep.
Beware geeks bearing gifts.
Beware of Jims bearing packages.
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware of warriors wearing underpants.
Beware tennis players, for love means nothing to them.
Beware the Ides of March.
Beware the naked man who offers you his shirt.
Big boys DON'T cry.
Bigamy is having one wife too many, Monogamy is the same.
Bigger than a breadbox...smaller than an elephant.
Bill Stickers is innocent.
Bill, I think we should call it Virtual Reality.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques
Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
Birds fly over the rainbow, why can't I?
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
Bish, bosh, get some dosh! Bish, bash, get some cash! W, X!
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
Blad hemi stamba blong laef: Givim blad, sevem laef!
Blah dee blah dee blah dee blah!
Bless you.
Blessed are the cheese makers.
Blessed are the idiots for they keep the system going.
Blessed are the list MPs, for they shall talk crap.
Blessed are the meek, for they will do smelly farts.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown the door.
Blessed are the pacemakers, for they will be called the hearts of God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are the lawmakers, for they will be called sons of bitches.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the pure of smoke, for they shall see God.
Blessed are they who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed are those who are persecuted, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness: they will be filled in.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed is she who expects nothing, for she shall never be disappointed.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
Blood will flow and drink will spill.
Bob Fripp!
Boiled crap tastes just as sweet.
Bole Sri Sat Guru Dev Maharaj ki jai!
Bore: A person who talks when you wish her to listen.
Born and bred in the standpack file, Brer Fox!
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
Boy, that's a big nest!
Boys just want to have fun.
Brain not included.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Brazil: Where the nuts come from.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Brilliant work.
Bring out number, weight and measure in a year of dearth.
Bringing Common Sense to Computing.
British Railways Locomotives and Other Motive Power (Combined Volume)
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queen's, Staten Island
Bubble Memory: Derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.
Buddy, can you spare a dime?
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Bullshit sounds more believable with an american accent. (Evangelists guide book)
Bunnies are hovering.
Bunny bunny, bunny bunny, whoops bunny, whoops bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.
Bureaucrat: A politician who has tenure.
Business Ethics - an oxymoron!
But meanwhile it is flying, irretrievable time is flying.
But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?
But when it comes down to fooling you, honey, that's quite a different subject.
Buy Big Boy condoms. As used by the virgin Mary.
Buy a Pentium 200 so you can reboot faster.
Buy me and stop one.
Buy two and keep one jump ahead.
Buy your bibles from Slimy Benny and go straight to Heaven.
By all means let Jesus into your heart. Just keep him out of your pocket.
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task overwhelm you.
By letting go, it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go!
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
By the glow of the gin soaked evangelist.
By their deeds shall you know them, not by their bullshit.
C code. C code run. Run code, run. Run, darnit! Run!
C combines the flexibility of assembler with the power of assembler.
C'est la vie, or as the French say, that's life!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
CChheecckk  yyoouurr  dduupplleexx  sswwiittcchh..
COBOL procedure error 204. Error loading main program.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Caesar adsum iam forte. Crassus sed passus sum.
Cairo Titty, a fine exotic dancer at a give away price.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
Can I do it just a little bit and wear glasses like my dad?
Can I have some sore butt, oops, I mean sherbet.
Can we not dream, if there were no Dave.
Can you paint with all the colours of the whinge?
Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?
Can you tell me where we're headin'? Lincoln County Road or Armageddon?
Can't recover, good bye!
Can't you see this barnyard guessing game is tearing us apart?
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. O.K. to fake it?
Cap slips.
Cap's lips.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Careless listening costs valves.
Careless talk costs lives.
Carthorse really is an anagram of orchestra.
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Cave cenam.
Caveat emptor.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Celebrating 2000 years of bullshit.
Celebrating the Future.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
Challenge. Responsibility. Acknowledgement. Pay.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Chappaquidick: `I'll miss that bridge when I come to it.'
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
Cheap carpet is only cheap when you buy it.
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Chicago: Where the dead still vote...early and often!
Chicken Licken was right.
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
Choose your rut carefully; you'll be in it for the next ten miles.
Christ: A man who died at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Christmas cactus worship for pleasure and profit.
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco between.
Civility costs nothing.
Civitatis fortuna cives.
Clah-boo-doo!
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Clever work.
Clones are people two.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Close enough for jazz.
Close the door on your way out.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Cocaine - the thinking man's Dristan.
Coffee before sex: a philosophy of life favoured by lexicographers.
Coffee drinkers, what a tangled web we weave!
Cold: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
Cold: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
Collecting stamps for pleasure and profit.
Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.
Come fly the Friendly Skies.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer: a device designed to speed and automate errors
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers aren't intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can work faster than humans because they don't have to answer phones.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
Concept: Any idea for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.
Conceptual aphorism: two wiggling fingers.
Condense soup, not books!
Confession is good for the soul.
Confession time, I'm a trifle dyslexic and I thought I'd subscribed to TitWorld.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confound those who have said our remarks before us.
Confucius he say too ruddy much.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conserve wildlife. Pickle a squirrel today.
Consultant: A rat swimming towards a sinking ship.
Consultant: He knows forty-nine ways to make love but doesn't know any women.
Contradictions rule O.K. even when they don't.
Convince a woman against her will, she's of the same opinion still.
Cooks are amazing.How do they get the peas into a pod without making them mushy?
Cool bananas, daddy-o!
Cop you later.
Corker.
Correct me if I'm wrong, hasn't the fine line between sanity & madness got finer
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
Count Up. The super market for the really weird.
Counting down to the 2000 Sydney Olympics and there's just 1197 days to go.
Country enterprises: pleasure and profit from home produce.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with her legs.
Creation myths kill.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Criminal Lawyer: a tautology.
Cunning is the dark sanctuary of incapacity.
Curiosity mangled the cat.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Customers make paydays possible.
Cwm fjord bank glyphs vext quiz.
Cynic: One who looks through rose-coloured glasses with a jaundiced eye.
D'oh!
DEFGHIJKLMNO (5, 5)
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Daddy, what does `Formatting Drive C:' mean?
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice.
Damn braces: Bless relaxes.
Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.
Dance to the music of oily Jim and the defectors.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Data, some datum. Darter, some fish (much loved by greens).
David Frost Special slick schmaltzy and ingratiating.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
De doo doo doo - de daa daa daataa
Dear Chickie....
Dear Lord, give me patience...and give it to me now!
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is conquered though you slumber : seven is the perfect number.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is nature's way of recycling human beings.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the only grammatically correct full stop.
Dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dee,
Default page width is 80 characters, or 132 characters if 80 is not wide enough.
Deliver no evil & live on revileD.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes/no answer.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Despair is the price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Dick Van Dyke: a bit of a contradiction in terms!
Dick by name and Dick by nature.
Did I really say that?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Did you know...that no-one ever reads these things?
Did you not hear what I said.
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Dip her in the river who loves water.
Diplomacy is the art of saying `nice doggy' until you can find a rock.
Dirty Erlin. The poofter's friend.
Disc space - the final frontier!
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Disk full - Press F1 to belch
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do it once, do it right, do it with pride.
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Do not adjust your hat.
Do not adjust your set.
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not drink coffee early in the morning. It keeps you awake until noon.
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not read this aphorism under penalty of law.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...but do it first.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Do you have to be a dreamer to be on the dream team.
Do you hear the people sing?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you mean Churchill or Peters?
Do you remember the year when citrus colours were in fashion?
Doctor, doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictive pill.
Doctus in se semper divitias habet.
Document a bug and it becomes a feature.
Dodo: a dead flightless bird. Bimbo: a brain dead flighty bird.
Does anyone know what day the 'Thursday Trader' is published?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Dogs good.  Cats bad.
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't bargain for fish that are still in the water.
Don't be a dreamer, try Radio Reamer.
Don't be a loon, try Radio Hoon.
Don't be a pratt, try Radio Rat.
Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions-They're easier than dumb problems.
Don't be happy. Worry.
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
Don't be ridiculous! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe everything you read, especially if it's on the Internet.
Don't bother.
Don't cook tonight - starve a rat today!
Don't count your chickens before they are laid.
Don't do it yet.
Don't eat my children. Baa.
Don't eat my children. Moo.
Don't fear the Reaper.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can eat it later.
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Don't forget the diver.
Don't forget young Jan Palak : he burnt a torch against the Warsaw Pact.
Don't get bogged down.
Don't get fooled by the comments - they can be very misleading. Debug only code.
Don't get mad - get even.
Don't give me no jive, I've got enough trouble just staying alive.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day.
Don't it make my brown eye blue?
Don't it make my brown eyes blue?
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Don't let the best you have done so far be a standard for the rest of your life.
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't make me a martyr, give me some darter.
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Don't rely on lies.
Don't say yes until I finish talking.
Don't shoot me, I'm only the Hoon.
Don't shoot me, I'm only the piano player.
Don't stand so close to me.
Don't step on my blue suede shoes.
Don't stick stickers on my paper knickers.
Don't stop, never give up, you've gotta carry on 'til you reach the top.
Don't take life too seriously - you'll never get out of it alive.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends - tell me where to get wax.
Don't tell me that I didn't warn you.
Don't think twice, it's alright.
Don't try to sed before you can awk.
Don't turn your back on Jesus.
Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Don't vote - the Government will get in anyway.
Don't wait for your ship to come in. Swim out to meet it.
Don't whinge for me Argentina.
Don't whling that stick at me.
Don't worry about feeling so wretched. At least you're not pregnant.
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Don't worry. Be happy.
Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Don't you know that it's different for girls.
Don't you know what good clean fun is? No, what good is it?
Don't you wonder sometimes about sound and vision?
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Dorothy, I don't think this is Kansas.
Doubt grows in knowledge.
Down with categorical imperatives!
Downwind of a burning marijuana plantation.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drink Canada Dry....well I'll have a go.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Drive your cart and your plow over the bones of the dead.
Droopy drawers is coming to town.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
Dumb end user.
Dung can make your flowers grow.
During my life I have worried about many things, most of which never happened.
Dwyer by name and Dwyer by nature.
E Pluribus Modem
E-Mail returned to sender....insufficient voltage
ERROR *E*E*E* Dynamic free variable used *E*E*E*
Each tablet contains 200mg of ibuprofen and a hundred bytes of filler.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early smirk.
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
Earth is full. Go home.
Easy peasy simple lemon squeezy!
Eat my shorts.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
Eating, sleeping, screwing, spewing, defecating, ultimately passing away time.
Ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
Economists tell you tomorrow why what they said yesterday didn't happen today.
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in herself than me.
Eight megabytes Toulouse
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Einstein was doubly wrong. God does play dice and sometimes He hides the outcome
Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance (present company excepted).
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Endless Loop: see Loop, Endless.
Engagement: One step closer to divorce.
England, the mother country.  Aunty Rower, the relative country.
English Bislama French German Hindi Kiswahili Italian Latin Serbian Spanish
Enjoy your companion's food.
Enjoy your food.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Equal bytes for women.
Eric.
Erlin Cluck is not Donald Duck's mother.  She just sounds like it.
Erlin Cluck's real name is Helen Clark.
Error reading FAT record: Try the skinny one? (Y/N)
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven wirrten und wimmelten in Waben.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternity is a terrible thought, I mean, when's it going to end?
Eternity is in love with the productions of time.
Ethernet; Something to catch the etherbunny.
Evangelists like Joyce Meyers give gin drinking a bad name.
Even if I never become the ugliest prime minister I will still be ugly.
Even if you learn to speak correct English, to whom shall you speak it?
Even the best of IF's have to END-IF sometime.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
Even the darkest hour has fourteen minutes of commercials.
Even when you're born, there's a string attached.
Ever seen a stealth bomber?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find her and stop her.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Every country has the government it deserves.
Every day is a winding road.
Every dog has his day. Every bitch has her day.
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
Every man at 3 years old is half his height.
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every rose has its thorn.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Every thing possible to be believed is an image of truth.
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
Every time an apple bruises - New Zealand loses!
Every time an apple bruises - a little girl waits.
Every woman deserves a middle husband that she can forget.
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
Everybody has 20/20 hindsight.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everybody must get stoned.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody's got a Humphrey fart.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Everyone considered him the Coward of the County.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone is dragged on by their favourite pleasure.
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Everything comes if a man will only wait.
Everything counts in large amounts.
Everything depends. Nothing is always. Everything is sometimes.
Everything has to be wrong.
Everything human is pathetic, the secret source of humour is not joy but sorrow.
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Everything you know is wrong!
Everything you wanted to know about sccs, but were afraid to ask.
Evri samting yu wantem save long Bislama be yu fraet tumas blong askem.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent day to pass the buck. Fart loudly and blame it on the cat.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excellent work.
Excess of sorrow laughs. Excess of joy weeps.
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
Excuse me for butting in but I'm interrupt driven.
Expand your attention span with TM, & concentrate longer on what you don't enjoy
Expect poison from the standing water.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Expense Accounts: Corporate food stamps.
Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, the lesson last.
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Expert: knows bad mistakes that can be made in the subject and avoids them.
Exuberance is Beauty.
FECK ARSE DRINK!
FUNEX? SVFX! FUNEM? SVFM! MNXPPP!
Failure is success if we learn from it.
Faint heart never won fair lady. Come to think of it, it never won much at all.
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Faith: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
False hopes and wasted dreams.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Famous last words:
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
Fantastic work.
Far away is close at hand in the images of elsewhere.
Far queue.
Fashion is ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Fats Loves Madelyn.
Fear is the mother of violence.
Feedback is the breakfast of champions.
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions.
Fell out of the family tree.
Few women of action have made a graceful exit at the appropriate time.
File not found. Do you really care? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Filming for pleasure and profit.
Filth: `Failed in London, Try Hong Kong.'
Fine day to throw a party. Throw her as far as you can.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Fishing: a stick and a string with a worm at one end, and a fool at the other.
Five Germans are more stupid than one.
Five components for an ideal vacation: sun, sea, sand and surf.
Fix it now! I'm off to the gym.
Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
Flowers need light if they're going to bloom.
Follow your bliss.
Follow your dreams unless its the one where you're at work with no pants on.
Folly is the cloak of Knavery. Shame is Pride's Cloak.
Food for thought.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fools gladly go where angels fear to tread.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
For a good time, call 0900 45085. Children, ask your parents first.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
For further information, visit Affco's home page at http://www.affco.co.nz/
For good times, call 0800 BAD100 & ask for Girlie. She is waiting for your call.
For information on caller display, call 0800 BIGBRO during working hours.
For safety, Air NZ 737s are replaced by some from Polynesian and Air Nauru.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For some reason, this aphorism reminds everyone of Agatha Christie.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
For the snark was a boojum, you see.
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
Foreigners have Sex, the British have hot water bottles.
Forethought is easy, repentance hard.
Forgive that you Christian bastard! Ancient Roman taunt.
Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.
Formula for living: morning get up, night go to bed, between occupy yourself.
Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy...
Four legs good, two legs bad.
Four legs good, two legs better.
Four out of five linguists couldn't tell talk from mutter.
Four out of five people are more in need of rest than exercise.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Free love: free guilt, free std's, free pregnancies, etc
Free parking - only $100.
Free the Indianapolis 500!
Freemasonry says more about you than American Express ever could.
French key, French key, French key (6, 4)
Freudian slip: Instead of pass the salt I said Dad, you ruined my life you basta
Friday is frog fanciers frolic day. That should be a cause for great cheer.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in.
Friendship may often grow into love but love never subsides into friendship.
>From hell, Hull and Halifax, good Lord deliver us.
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Garbage In - Gospel Out.
Garlic every day keeps everyone away.
Gary Larson worked here!
Gary Larson's jokes are all recyclable.
Gas is cheaper than electricity, until you begin to use it!
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Gendarmes are not police - they are soldiers.
Genius does what it must, and talent does what it can.
Genius is only greater aptitude for patience.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with `bright'.
George Orwell was an optimist.
German men live by the sweat of their fraus.
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
Get a hat.
Get a life.
Get a life. When you've done that, get an afterlife.
Get a loaf. Then, get another loaf.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Get a real job in Hastings.
Get a wife.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Get off my back, and come to that, how did I get to this side of the road?
Get your kicks on Route 66.
Gin and Christianity, an explosive mixture.
Girl Guides: They're appealing to you.
Girls just want to have fun.
Give Fluffy to me.
Give a little whistle.
Give him half a bottle of gin and he will evangelise the world.
Give it everything you've got.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Given a choice between sex and train-spotting, I know which one I'd choose.
Glaswegian wearing a tie: 'The accused'
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
Go ahead, punk! Make my day!
Go for it! For the next hour you may squeeze your farts out.
Go for it! For the next hour you may whinge your heart out.
Go smash an egg.
Go up to my bedroom. If I'm not there in half an hour, carry on without me.
Go walking mindlessly forward, never mind what's going on.
God bless you Auntie Rower.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
God is a polytheist.
God is alive and selling bibles in the southern states of America.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God is not all powerful, for He cannot make a rock He cannot lift.
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Whitcoulls.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
God isn't dead, He just couldn't find a parking place.
God just screwed around for five days and then pulled an all-nighter on Friday.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of humanity.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
God made the integers; all else is the work of humanity.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
Goldfish do not bounce.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Good advice is something one gives when too old to set a bad example.
Good afternoon. I'm from the Government. I'm here to help you.
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
Good news for deaf people. Meatloaf has just released a new album.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Good work.
Good, clean fun is still boring the next day.
Good, clean fun is still fun the next day.
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
Goods that are much on show lose their colour.
Gordons gin. As drunk to excess by 9 out of 10 television evangelists.
Gosh is great.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Gotta go. The lab called: my brain is ready.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Government to ease Homosexual Bill's passage.
Graduate life - it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
Granddad, how did that man say his Granddad helped God put shells on Everest?
Gravity is a myth, Kim Hill Earth sucks.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Great events make me quiet and calm; only the trifles irritate my nerves.
Great moments in science: Einstein discovers time is actually money.
Great news Erlin. The ugly pills are working.
Grow up or throw up.
Growing flowers in New Zealand for pleasure and profit.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Guns don't kill people : Kim Hill kills people.
Guns don't kill people : guns make people interesting.
Guns don't kill people : people kill people.
Guru MacKenzie. Typing the lines of a program that noone will run; Isn't it fun?
Guy Fawkes was the only man to enter Parliament with honest intent.
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp.
HIJKLMNO (5)
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
Hakuna Matata.
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
Half of what I say is meaningless.
Handle people better by using their feelings than by convincing their reason.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
Happiness may well consist primarily of an attitude toward time.
Happy idiot day bisset.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hardly any sets of a thousand words can be adequately described with pictures.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hark! I hear the cannon roar!
Hark! I hear the cannon rut! The swine.
Harry Historyburger.
Has Auntie Rower been out in the sun too long?
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasselblad camera for sale. Nearly new. One owner. As is, where is.
Haste is the sister of repentance.
Hat size not numeric or impossibly large. Please try again.
Hating people is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat.
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
Have a day.
Have a good day in the Bay.
Have a very happy holiday.
Have hat, will travel.
Have several nice days.
Have whinge, will travel.
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Have you ever tried pushing a marshmallow into a money box?
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
He bugs us wherever he is, because he is bald!
He calls himself a Roo nunger but he has never nunged a Roo in his life.
He didn't just smash the record - he made it into a CD.
He died when his microwave crashed into the Atlantic ocean.
He drank four gallons of coffee and next morning was found dead in his wigwam.
He gives joy to Joy.
He had an abundance of don't-testosterone.
He had the slightly puzzled look of a list programmer.
He has a bigger one than anyone else.
He heard you the first time!
He hides his dimness under a bushel.
He jumped a chicken.
He lives firm in the belief that God loves idiots.
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
He shot, he missed, he must be bloody mad. Charlie George!
He speaks menglish like a weather forecaster.
He speaks to me as if I were a public meeting.
He spoke with the slightly absurd accent of a weather forecaster.
He that would govern others, first should be master of himself.
He was a good man, in the worst sense of the term.
He was a known poofter user.
He was a true (non poofter) Hero.
He was so boring that if his life flashed before his eyes, he wouldn't be in it.
He was the first ever self evident
He who gets up early gets lucky twice.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who meditates is lost.
He won't get run over while he's wearing that shirt.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Hear affirmative action at work.  Listen to Kim Hill.
Heisenberg may have slept here.
Helen Clark was having another bad accent day.
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
Hell, no, if I'd wanted that I'd have ordered it.
Hello Ducky.
Hello Mrs. Gobstopper.
Hello my name is big Julie, How about a cuddle?
Hello treacle toes.
Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?
Help I'm modeming.. and I can't hang up!
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Help reduce the road toll. Drive on the pavement.
Help the lonely. Support different species marriage.
Help! Help! A heffalump, a horrible heffalump.
Her handwriting gives an unfair advantage to those who have studied Arabic.
Her mind is like a steel trap - full of mice.
Her reaction was unexpected, though not as we had expected it to be unexpected.
Her super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
Here is another trouser load of teenager to cheer you up.
Here we go gathering nuts and may.
Here's to you Mrs. Davidson, Jesus loves you more than you will know.
Hero, hetro, list MP; it's all rock and roll to me.
Hexadecimal: Number system favoured by one legged males.
Hey Forrest! Engage brain before opening mouth.
Hey! You left me the wrong key!
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to whinge we go.
Hi! I'm Sess!!! (Margreat: ask Ian)
Hi, Mom!
Hibernation is a four letter word with eleven letters.
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hire the morally handicapped.
Hiroshima!
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other.
History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living.
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
Hit any user to continue.
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
Hollywood: a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum.
Home is where the heart is.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom, Please feel free to upchuck.
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say `Honk if...'.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Horsepower was better when only horses had it.
Hottentotenpotentatentantenattentat.
How I lived for 28 years carrying my sense of humour around in my handbag.
How bizarre. How bizarre. How bizarre.
How can I draw this?
How can I get you a loan?
How can I tell you I love you when I can hardly breathe down here.
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How can you tell a tester of computer games from a player of computer games?
How clever of me!
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How could I dance with another when I saw her standing there?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do pretty girls get minks? The same way minks get minks.
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
How do you know if your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
How do you spell `bastard' ? Well, it starts with L and ends with Y.
How do you titillate an ocelot?
How do you trace your family tree? Run for politics!
How does Gladys Knight find out what time it is?
How does my having a vasectomy stop my bint becoming pregnant?
How does my having a vasectomy stop my wife becoming pregnant?
How far do you go?
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many are half-feminine? (4)
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
How many roads must a man walk down?
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How? Fried.
Human beings are most frightening when convinced beyond a doubt they are right.
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
Hurrah for Cod Peace and the plucky little Multi-Coloured Terrorist.
Hush hush nobody cares/Christopher Robin was pushed down the stairs.
Hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue.
I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I always meant to become a procrastinator.
I always try to do things in chronological order.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
I am listening to wet 93FM because I am a pratt.
I am not a mercenary for the Evangelical Movement.
I am not a pheasant plucker but a pheasant plucker's mate.
I am not a poser when I go skiing.
I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
I am not in love, but I'm open to persuasion.
I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
I am odd enough to be my own mother.
I am old enough to be my own father.
I am really very kind and honest, and if I had any friends they would tell you.
I am sure you will agree that this is not good enough.
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
I am the sort of person your parents warned you about.
I asked for a dozen bread rolls and you only gave me twelve.
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a little girl waits.
I belong to no organised party. I am a Democrat.
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
I bet you say that to all the boys.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
I came to whinge, and whinge I shall. God help you all.
I can dodge as much work as you can give me.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
I can't give a pep talk, because only a few people will witness the humiliation.
I can't hear myself now, it's brilliant.
I can't see the point of playing bridge if you're not inebriated!
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's trousers.
I could lend her one.
I cried listening to Slimy Benny.
I did look, I'm not blond.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I do have sweeping powers. And the broom that goes with them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
I do now, you smooth talking bastard.
I don't believe any of this stuff either.
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't.
I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.
I don't care who you are, get those reindeer and that sleigh off my roof.
I don't care who you are, you're not dragging that cross through my back garden.
I don't hate idiots. In fact I quite like you.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
I don't have to run faster than the lion. All I need to do is beat you.
I don't have to take this abuse from you.
I don't have to work tonight. There's no ships in the port.
I don't know how to love him.
I don't know the joke, but I'm sure it's funny.
I don't know the key to success, the key to failure is trying to please everyone
I don't know where I'm a-gonna go when the volcano blow.
I don't know who wrote this, but whoever she is, she's a damn sexist.
I don't know, I've never kippled.
I don't like Earl's grey tea bags.
I don't like money, actually, but it quietens my nerves.
I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out OK.
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every moment of it.
I don't want the savings.
I don't want to go to Chelsea.
I don't want yes men : please tell the truth even if it costs you your job.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel a brand new whinge coming on, yeah yeah yeah! Oh shit.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I feel like death and I won't even get any thanks for coming in tonight.
I find all this money a considerable burden.
I forgot to support Alzheimer's day.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
I got my Dhp. in dyslexia.
I had a couple of fluttering comments.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I hate quotations.
I hate victims who respect their executioners.
I have a currant bun.
I have a fetish for newsstands.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I have met the Great Pretender, and she is not what she seems.
I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy.
I have no baby on board but please don't crash into me anyway.
I have no time to think about the lastest topical issues.
I have seen God, and his name is Newt.
I have seen God, and his name is Winston.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have the Merdus touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
I haven't got a carea in the worlda.
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I knew I was having a bad day when the Samaritans put me on hold.
I knew Judith Chalmers before she was brown.
I knew Paul Holmes before he wasn't an interviewer.
I knew Paul Reeves before he was a Maori.
I knew you'd take pity on homeless lettuces.
I know nothing. Why should I lie?
I know, because I bonked that soldier.
I know, because I was that soldier.
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like cream in my buns.
I like my coffee like I like my women - big breasted.
I like my coffee like I like my women - strong and black.
I like my coffee like I like my women - wet and white.
I like pork in my buns.
I like work...I can sit and watch it for hours.
I like you, but I wouldn't eat fish with you.
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB by mistake.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB for the infomercials.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB for updates on the latest whinges.
I listen to the Kim Simpson show. It is truly awful.
I listen to the Marge Hill show. It is not very pleasant.
I live by the river.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I love my Honda Civic.
I love the sound of breaking glass, especially when I'm lonely.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid.
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I met a traveller from an antique land.
I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
I must keep aiming higher and higher - even though I know how silly it is.
I must not use my face as a shopping list.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
I never know how much of what I say is true.
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
I pledge allegiance to Forrest Gump.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
I read it and it was really boring!
I read the newspapers avidly. it is my one form of continuous fiction.
I really think she ought to marry him.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I see no joy, I see only sorrow. I see no hope of a bright new tomorrow.
I see red.
I shop, therefore I am.
I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy.
I souport publik edekasion.
I still say the New Zealand Herald is a better paper than The Dominion.
I strive to emulate Clive, a legend in his own lunchtime.
I suppose a quick duck is out of the question.
I talk to God through Slimy Benny.
I talk to the trees but they don't listen to me.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think that you have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell".
I thought cirrhosis was a type of cloud until I discovered Smirnoff.
I thought they were lucky to get nil!
I thought wanking was a town in China until I discovered Smirnoff.
I tried to drown my problems, but they can swim.
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I want all of the power and none of the responsibility.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming like his passengers.
I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
I was born with nothing and I still have most of it left.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
I was nearly kept waiting.
I was on oily Jim's team for a little while. (A.K.).
I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
I watch Shortland Street for the ad breaks.
I went to the boxing matches the other night and a hockey game broke out.
I whinge, therefore I am.
I will never be replaced by a computer until they can teach them to drink.
I will never be replaced by a computer until they can teach them to whinge.
I will never support your bid to become New Zealand's ugliest prime minister.
I wish I were a butterfly - life would be a farce.
I wish my life could be like an Abba song.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I would go to the end of the world for you. - Yes, but would you stay there?
I would not allow this employee to breed.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they work for me.
I write the songs that make the whole world cringe.
I'd be a right bananer if it wasn't for my farner.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to assure you that in my time I have had plenty of experience.
I'd love to go out with you but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'd love to go out with you but I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
I'd love to go out with you but I have some really hard words to look up.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to check expiry dates on dairy products.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to floss my cat.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go and swap pieces of cardboard.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go and write down locomotive numbers.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go skiing.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to talk to my plants.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to water my plants.
I'd love to go out with you but I need to spend more time with my blender.
I'd love to go out with you but I never go out on days that end in `Y'.
I'd love to go out with you but I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm already going to a restaurant in Hastings.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm converting from Julian to Gregorian.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm going to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm washing my hair.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm washing my tramping boots.
I'd love to go out with you but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'd love to go out with you but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
I'd love to go out with you but I've got a dog to groom.
I'd love to go out with you but it wouldn't be fair to other Beautiful People.
I'd love to go out with you but it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
I'd love to go out with you but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
I'd love to go out with you but my favourite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to go out with you but the last time I went out, I never came back.
I'd love to go out with you but the man on TV told me to stay tuned.
I'd love to go out with you but there are major world issues to worry about.
I'd love to tune you out.
I'd love to turn you in.
I'd love to turn you on.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a hat full of fish.
I'll be thinking of you when I am at the funeral.
I'll grant the random access to my heart.
I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampire from your door.
I'll see your Possum Jim, and raise you two Flaky Helen's.
I'll starve if I don't have a ginger nut.
I'm a country member.
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
I'm a hard, unfeeling bitch.
I'm a hard, unfeeling butch.
I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm as good as gold. Well, maybe not gold - but I'm certainly as good as silver.
I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.
I'm carrying a bomb for big Mo.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
I'm in the nude for love.
I'm just a girl who can't say n... n... n...
I'm looking for a better life.
I'm not a comedian, but sometimes I say funny things.
I'm not a poof and some of my best friends clean toilets.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
I'm not deaf, but sometimes I don't hear things.
I'm not homosexual, but I've slept with a man who is.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm not that interested in Business and International Affairs.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
I'm not waiting on a lady, I'm just waiting on a friend.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
I'm really enjoying not talking to you...Let's not talk again REAL soon...
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick.
I'm sorry the spec isn't more detailed, but I've given up smoking.
I'm sorry, I don't have any figures to back up that claim.
I'm taking Lindsay with me to Wellington!
I'm tired of playing cattle-oppressors and native Americans.
I'm too sexy for my tummy, too sexy for my tummy.
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I've become the father of breakfast.
I've been to see a faith healer, but my faith is still broken.
I've been using aluminium pans for longer than I can remember.
I've got a browser in my trouser.
I've got my mother's genes and my father's trousers,
I've got poofter genes in my poofter jeans.
I've got the brain, you've got the looks - let's make lots of money!
I've got the hat.
I've got two bananas today, because I'm going to the gym and I need the energy.
I've half a mind to join New Zealand First, but that's all I need.
I've lost my monger.
I've never been to bed with an ugly woman, but I've woken up next to plenty.
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
Ich weiss nicht, was es bedeuten soll.
Idleness is only the refuge of weak minds.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Cladbong cannot interview it, it ain't news.
If Cladbong cannot interview it, it isn't quite dead yet.
If God had intended us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If God had intended us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
If God had intended us to smoke, He would have set us on fire.
If God had intended us to walk, He would have given us feet.
If God had intended us to watch TV, He would have given us rabbit ears.
If God had meant us to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport.
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
If I am not for myself, who will be?
If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder.
If I feel a little jittery I can't restrain myself.
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - Albert Einstein
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
If I looked like that I'd want someone else's photo on my driving licence too.
If I save time, do I get it back?
If I smell mouldy, it's only because my singlet didn't dry out.
If I were you . . . who'd be me?
If I'd just had a pep-talk, I wouldn't be smiling, would I?
If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate.
If Jesus died for my sins then I had better make it worth his while.
If John F. Kennedy had come to New Zealand, he would have been a maori.
If McDonalds took credit cards, I wouldn't ever need cash again.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If Soldini had saved him all the remaining competitors would've been on one boat
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is a place where a bus stops, what is a work station?
If a fly's life is cheap, then its death should be cheaper.
If a listener nods her head when you're explaining your program, wake her up.
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If a string has a middle, then it has at least one end.
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
If all is an illusion and nothing exists, then I overpaid for my carpet.
If all the Chinese people were laid end to end, 85% of them would drown.
If all the bolts in the Eiffel Tower were laid end to end, it would fall down.
If all the economists were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion.
If all the girls at St Annes were laid end to end, nobody would be surprised.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
If an item is advertised as `under $50', you can bet it's not $19.95.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If brains were gunpowder, she wouldn't have enough to blow her hat off.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If debugging is removing errors, then programming is introducing them.
If decryption was more difficult, SHLiOBudooUKQmtsMeeActVYtk85n7ltlqn9ZVwQOXd5nB
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If evolution really works, how come mothers have only two hands?
If good people were white and bad people were black, what colour would you be?
If he is not a poofter he should be.
If he is tame I'd hate to see a wild one.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If horse-racing is the sport of kings, is drag-racing the sport of queens?
If human minds were simple enough to understand, we'd be so simple we couldn't.
If ifs and ans were pots and pans, there'd be no need of tinkers.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If it don't fit, don't force it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's aphorism.
If it's broken, fix it.
If it's good enough for Noddy it's good enough for me.
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
If marrying two wives is bigamy, is marrying one wife monotony?
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If money could talk, it would say "Goodbye!"
If music be the food of love, why can't rabbits sing?
If odds are a million to one against something occurring, its chances are 50-50.
If one cannot invent a convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth.
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
If opportunity doesn't knock, buy a door.
If others had not been foolish, we should be so.
If prayer works, why do charities ask for money?
If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If she's not good enough for her brother, she's not good enough for you.
If someone says she will do something `without fail', she won't do it.
If speed kills, how come Gonzales is still alive?
If the B mt put : If the B . putting :
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.
If the beginning be good, the end must be perfect.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the door won't open, get an axe.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If the fool would persist in her folly she would become wise.
If the lioness were advised by the vixen, she would be cunning.
If the moon were made of green cheese, rockets would be shaped like fondu forks.
If the ugly pills don't work, try prayer.
If the universe is expanding, why is it always so hard to find a parking space?
If there are aphorisms, there must be meta-aphorisms.
If there are two ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
If there is a God, then his quality control leaves a great deal to be desired.
If there is a way to delay a decision, the good bureaucracy will find it.
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is nothing to do then she will find it.
If there is nothing to say then she will say it.
If there's a funeral procession at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If there's a smile on my face, it's only there trying to fool the public.
If things do not change, they stay as they are.
If this aphorism didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
If this is your first visit to Yugoslavia, you are welcome to it.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If travel is searching, and home what's been found, then I'm going hunting.
If two agree on anything, you may be sure that one of them is wrong.
If two agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them does the thinking.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.
If you always do tomorrow's work today, the last day of your life will be free.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are going to call your kid Fergus, you might just as well call him Fungus
If you are going to make a generalisation, then make it really big.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.
If you can count your money, then you don't have a billion dollars.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse, it's Eric.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
If you can see the optometrist, you don't need to see the optometrist.
If you can still do at 60 what you were doing at 20, you weren't doing much.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't blind them with science, baffle them with bullshit.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you catch someone on home video selling soap, call us on 0800 AMWAY1.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't die from it, it's healthy.
If you don't fill in your timesheet, none of us will get paid next month.
If you don't get all you want, think of all you don't get that you don't want.
If you don't know what your program should do, don't start writing it.
If you don't like it here, then why don't you go home.
If you drink and drive, then you're a bloody idiot.
If you enjoy playing with Bananas in Pyjamas then this is the video for you.
If you ever want anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else.
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you fail as a comedian at least nobody laughs.
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will do it.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you have to hate, hate gently.
If you haven't anything to do, don't do it here.
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you must smoke, don't smoke Rothman's.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you stand upright, do not worry if your shadow is crooked.
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
If you think education is expensive, you should try ignorance.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think nothing of the work you do, plenty of people will agree with you.
If you think you know what's going on here, you don't understand a thing.
If you think you're wrong, you're right.
If you throw a rooster into a pen full of chickens it will shag itself to death!
If you want me to spend more time in the kitchen, keep more beer in the fridge.
If you want the price advantage of dealing direct with the crook...
If you wish to teach people the value of money, borrow from them.
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're not blond, why do you act like you are?
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the residue.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
If you've got nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
If your face was a planet, it would be Uranus.
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
Ignore the Aunty Rower Meatworkers Union at your peril.
Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Immortality - a fate worse than death.
Impressive work.
In America you're never stuck for a friend. 3 weeks is a meaningful relationship
In America, anyone may become president. I guess that's a risk we take.
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
In Biblical times, many who committed adultery were stoned. It's the same today.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a tree by a river a little tom tit sang Wilogram, tit-Wilogram, tit-Wilogram.
In a world without fences who needs Gates?
In an ad by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In an organisation, each person rises to the level of her own incompetency.
In any formula, constants are to be treated as variables.
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
In future, please refer to Guy Chapman as Person Personperson. Thank you.
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences.
In our business, the customer is king.
In our business, the customer is queen ducky.
In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.
In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
In spite of all the poets sing, this gold, my dearest, is a useful thing.
In the beginning was the word, and the word was `aardvark'.
In the land of shampoo, realpoo is King.
In the land of the blind, the brown eyed man is King.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King.
In the land of the blind, the one trousered elephant is a joy to behold.
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
In the old days, when maoris where brown.
In the words of John Bobbit, I'm unattached at present.
In the words of Robbie Burns: Cor comie 'or and strangie/tae a wee mickel a mea!
In the words of the immortal bard,
In these aphorisms, man shall be deemed to embrace woman.
In youth we learn; in age we understand.
Incredible work.
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Ingrate: One who bites the hand that feeds, and then complains of indigestion.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Innovation is hard to schedule.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.
Insanity: Continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results.
Insert baby for refund.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Insufficient memory at this time.
Intelligence of humanity decreasing. Details uh, when the little hand is on...
Into each life a little whinge must fall, but too much is falling in mine.
Is Auntie Rower the Mare of Auckland?
Is Green Mail the political wing of Green Peace?
Is Karl Marx's grave just another communist plot?
Is Ken Mair just another dark Irishman?
Is Manny Rower the minister of immigration.
Is Srdjan a gloop?
Is Sue Bradford the leader of the League of Layabouts or Loonies at Large?
Is `Tau Henare' a translation of `Christopher Robin' ?
Is a backward green a Neerg?
Is a backward poofter a Yag?
Is a lady barrister without her briefs a solicitor?
Is he a techo or a beanie?
Is is less important than seems to be.
Is it New Zealand First or New Zealand Ferked?
Is it finitched?
Is it possible to be politically correct if you are white and male?
Is organised crime a religion?
Is organised religion a crime?
Is tandoori fish just a red herring?
Is that a fair comment?
Is that a true story?
Is that what 'yes' means?
Is the FrockMan Catholic?
Is the Pope Irish?
Is the Pope Jewish?
Is the Pope Polish?
Is the society for the advancement of coloured people a green organisation?
Is the spec not adequate?
Is there enough tokenism on Radio New Zealand?
Is there life on Mars?
Is this person an owner-operator?
Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
Isaac Asimov is a veritable Barbara Cartland.
Isn't it amazing, there's never a dodo around when you want one.
Isn't the world a boring place to be?
It ain't heavy, it's my sister.
It ain't over till the fat lady sings or the thin lady whinges.
It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
It can't have been him, because he doen't make mistakes.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose.
It gives light, a wicked thing (6)
It had more versions than a maori place name.
It had something to do with naked women and breadcrumbs.
It had, I was told, a big grunter.
It has a certain `je ne sais quoi', but I don't know what it is.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is an equal failing to trust everybody and to trust nobody.
It is an old ironic habit of humans to run faster when they have lost their way.
It is as Irish as a bomb on a bus.
It is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.
It is believed he got his recipe for the bomb from the public library.
It is believed that he is deliberately evading the police.
It is better to be roughly right than precisely wrong.
It is better to have locked and lost than never to have locked at all.
It is better to have loved and lost - much better.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if lightly greased.
It is easier for a camel to piss through the eye of a needle.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to find a rich magistrate than an honest one.
It is easier to get a franchise from God than it is from McDonalds.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is extremely easy to do something slightly wrong and create a disaster.
It is good and glorious to die for one's country.
It is imperative that no confusion in terminology exists.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
It is more than redundant.
It is not compulsory to pronounce place names with a Japanese accent.
It is not considered professional to burst into tears!
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is only fair that Margaret Thatcher should have a disease named after her.
It is progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork.
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
It isn't a city without chewing gum on the pavements.
It isn't the coughin' that carries you off but the coffin they carry you off in.
It isn't the size of the wand, it's the magic it makes.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It makes you happy.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
It means it's flying sideways.
It only takes one bullet to kill someone.
It only takes two bullets to kill sometwo.
It really doesn't matter which language you use - they're both very good.
It seemed to me that the church had a very performance orientated god.
It seems like the less a politician amounts to, the more she loves the flag.
It takes a revolution to make a solution.
It takes a strong man to save himself, and a great man to save another.
It takes more than ugly pills to make a great leader.
It takes two to make a single parent.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It was a hard act to follow.
It was awful, just awful.
It was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
It was twenty years ago today.
It wasn't me that started this old, crazy, Asian war.
It won't work.
It works better if you plug it in.
It'll never fly!
It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
It's a God-awful small affair.
It's a bloody good idea, sir!
It's a cross between an albatross and a wheelchair.
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
It's a drum. A boy's drum.
It's a grave situation when this pumping station goes on strike. (5)
It's a great day to sell a Kirby.
It's a hard rain's a gonna fall.
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
It's amazing how difficult it is to get a virgin off your face.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better than bottling it up inside.
It's easier said than done.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
It's easy to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
It's exciting for the veterans and it's a tonic for the troops.
It's getting bigger as we talk.
It's good to talk about things.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
It's just not good enough!
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It's my ambition to become chief assistant to the assistant chief.
It's my pleasure.
It's not Camelot, but it's not Auckland, either.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It's not bad for a priest in a small parish.
It's not because they're dykes, I just don't think the Topp Twins are funny.
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
It's not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not what a kid knows that bothers his parents -- it's how he found it out.
It's one of the few books of the 20th century to have made me laugh out loud.
It's only the children of the wealthy who tend to be good-looking.
It's only when we really can't take her that she doesn't go.
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
It's recession when your neighbour loses his job;depression when you lose yours.
It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the first time we've been there since we left.
It's very good news for the whole of Australasia.
It's very nice, but it doesn't pay the bills.
It's worse in the bog.
It's worse luck not to be superstitious.
It's...
Ite sawe ae potatoe.
Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz.
Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington?
JanuaryFebruaryMarchAprilMayJuneJulyAugustSeptemberOctoberNovemberDecember
Je ne parle pas perl.
Je veux qu'on rie, je veux qu'on danse, je veux qu'on s'amuse comme des fous.
Jenny Morris is to music what Newin Chidchob is to bat sexing.
Jenny Morris's real name is Rumple Stiltskin, and doesn't she know it.
Jenny Shipley: isn't she a sex kitten?
Jesus Christ's real name was Solly Rosenbaum.
Jesus primes my money pump.
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
John Logie Baird is watching television in hell.
Join the crew.
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, bird fly high by the light of the moon.
Joys impregnate. Sorrows bring forth.
Judge Dredd is the law!
Just a little prick with a needle.
Just a moment, I'll get out the world's smallest violin.
Just because you can't do everything doesn't mean you shouldn't do something.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Just because your doctor has a name for it doesn't mean she knows what it is.
Just do it.
Just half a clove of garlic a day will help prevent bowel cancer.
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace not immune to bullets.
Just say gnome.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Just think of all the ecological damage caused by this aphorisms program.
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Kay Aura. A good friend to all of us.
Keep Japan yerrow.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favourite neurosis.
Keep grandma off the streets - legalise bingo.
Keep it up.
Keep sneezing - you need all the blessings you can get.
Keep the country beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down.
Keep up the good work.
Keep your nose between the ditches and Smokey out of your breeches.
Ken Oath!
Kenny Rogers, because all the others are clean-shaven.
Killing me softly with his schlong.
Kim Hill. Commercial radio's most loved person. They flee her in droves.
Kim Hill. If there is something stupid to say she will say it.
Kim Hill. New Zealand's reason for despair.
Kim Hill. She will ask the questions that others wouldn't bother with.
Kim Hill. She will discuss the issues that the others have flogged to death.
Kim Hill. Yesterday's Holmes people without the vibrant personality.
Kim's Krapfest. Each morning during the week.
Kin: An affliction of the blood.
Kirk to Enterprise - beam down Yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Klein bottle for sale...enquire within.
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
Know when to stop before you fart.
Know when to stop before you start.
Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to practical use.
Kurt Cobain sings Country.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
Labour Party Prefers Gays To Fags.
Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Laetrile is the pits.
Lagos: The Auckland of West Africa.
Lapidary for pleasure and profit.
Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate!
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Last week I couldn't even spel manijer, but this week I are one!
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Laugh? I thought I'd never start!
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Laws are made to be broken.
Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Legal, decent, honest, truthful.
Legendary work.
Less people have been up the Eiffel Tower.
Let She who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let it be.
Let man wear the fell of the lion, woman the fleece of the sheep.
Let mercy triumph over judgement.
Let them eat cake.
Let us all meet at the stone age communication centre.
Let us all sign up for the 40 hour whinge.
Let us go singing as far as we go; the road will be jollier, ho ferking ho!
Let us go singing as far as we go; the road will be less tedious.
Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is set out against the sky.
Let us live! Let us love! Let us share the secrets of our souls! You first.
Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.
Let your trousers do the walking.
Let's all listen to Frank Zappa and learn some new words.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's go to Auckland for the holidays.
Let's go to Lagos for the holidays.
Let's take the shortcut, they can't see us from there.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberals don't care what you do as long as it's mandatory.
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Life exists in the universe because the carbon atom has exceptional properties.
Life is a bitch - and then you turn forty!
Life is a bowl of cherries and birthdays are the pits.
Life is a gamble at terrible odds - if it was a bet, you wouldn't take it.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is a yo-yo, and humanity ties knots in the string.
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
Life is an elephant flavoured albatross.
Life is an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find nothing in it.
Life is just a bowl of toenails.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
Life is like spaghetti, too many loose ends.
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first!!
Life not only begins at forty - it begins to show.
Life on Earth is expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Life was filled with guns and war and everyone got trampled on the floor.
Life well spent is long.
Life's too cheap to drink short wine.
Lift your dahlias in the autumn.
Like father, like son.
Like mother, like daughter.
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Lipstick on your chopper told a tale on you.
Listen here you little pip squeak!
Listen to Garry McCormick, and get more dork for your dollar.
Listen to the fool's reproach! It is a kingly title!
Literature is more about sex than children, but life is the other way round.
Literature, strewn with the wreckage of men who minded the opinions of others.
Live every day as if it were your last. One day you'll be right.
Live long and prosper.
Living in Flaxmere is very dangerous especially if you're a visiting policeman.
Living with a saint is more gruelling than being one.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Loafing needs no explanation and is its own excuse.
Long God yumi stanap.
Long visits bring short compliments.
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
Look after your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.
Look at me. Worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Look but do not touch.
Look out! Behind you!
Loop, Endless: see Endless Loop.
Loose as a goose!
Losing your drivers' licence is just God's way of saying `BOOGA, BOOGA!'
Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the family.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Love is a two way dream.
Love is all there is. It makes the world go round.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love of money is the root of all evil.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Lovely day! Spring in the air!...Why should I?
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
M2976221 is prime!
MCMXC MCMXCI MCMXCII MCMXCIII MCMXCIV MCMXCV MCMXCVI MCMXCVII MCMXCVIII MCMXCIX
MM MMI MMII MMIII MMIV MMV MMVI MMVII MMVIII MMIX
MOVE CARCASE-STANDPACK       TO PR-STANDPACK-6B.
Mad as a snake and half as reliable.
Mad cows and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
Made with the aid of your broadcasting fee so you can hear more Menglish on air.
Madness is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
Maet long tede naet yumitufala i save mekem wan bodi.
Maggie, I wish I'd never seen your face.
Mairsy doats and dosy doats and little lambsy tivy.
Major Strasser has been shot. Round up the usual suspects.
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Make haste slowly.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make it legal, but only for groups of three.
Make new friends but keep the old : the new are silver, the old are gold.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Makes Ben Hur look like an epic.
Making dolls for pleasure and profit.
Male Chauvanist pigs motto - Put Womens-Libbers behind bras!
Mali snoopy znak je gloopy.
Mama, just killed a song.
Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust?
Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities are exhausted.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact he often has to eat them.
Man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Man has eased his burden by lifting it to his head, but does he have a headache!
Man invented language to satisfy the deep need to complain.
Man is an island - Douglas Tourist Board
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Man learns little from success, but much from failure.
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to someone else-unless it is an enemy.
Manners: especially the need of the plain. The pretty can get away with anything
Many a man owes success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Many are called but few are chosen.
Many are called but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are cold but few are frozen.
Mares rush in where angels fear to tread.
Margaret Shepherd's calligraphy projects for pleasure and profit.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
Marrying a woman is a mystery. Marrying two at once is a bigger mystery.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
Martyrdom is the only way in which one can become famous without ability.
Marvellous work.
Mary Rosenbaum, mother of Solly.
Masochist: Hit me! Sadist: No!
Master easy, servant slack.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
Maximum Headroom: 2057 millimetres
May Elle Macpherson eat your only copy of the manual!
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
May all the music you like become popular.
May all your troubles be little ones.
May many come after me.
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
May you be a sphincter all your life! And your children too!
May you be a spinster all your life! And your children too!
May you live in interesting times.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of 1000 Caramels.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
McGod. A deity invented and worshipped by man.
Me, I wasn't working, I was just standing near my terminal to keep warm.
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Memory Error - What? Tell me again.
Men are born to succeed, not to fail.
Men who never get carried away should be.
Menglish is the second most crappy language in the world.
Menglish, the language of a native New Zealander.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!.
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Metaphor mixing for pleasure and profit.
Mettez cela dans votre poche et votre mouchoir dessus.
Mexico: so far from God, so close to the United States.
Mi sori, emi no stap: emi jas go aot naoia.
Michelle, ma belle, sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Microsoft Works - The greatest oxymoron of our time!
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Millihelen: Beauty required to launch just one ship.
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Mine is the last voice that you will ever hear. Don't be alarmed.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Missing you already.
Missing you already. NOT!
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Mit Schlagsahnen, bitte.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm pi!
Mo hos we yu yusum blong kamtru.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
Money can't buy friends but it can give you a better class of enemy.
Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
Monkey see, monkey do.
More power, more freedom, more fun.
Mornington Crescent.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses but Moses supposes erroneously.
Moses, 4 billion years of evolution is too long, couldn't you shorten it?
Moses, Let there be light is good, but 4 billion years of evolution drags a bit.
Most of my strength is in my legs.
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
Most things get steadily worse.
Mother said if I'm not in bed by ten o'clock, come home.
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
Mounts bicycle, heads off.
Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I don't know, dear, ask your father.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Must dash. My little girl is waiting.
My aim is true.
My aphorisms lacked direction, incisiveness and humour, so I wrote this one.
My cup runneth over, and spilleth on my trousers.
My cup runneth over.
My dad says all coppers are constables.
My dad says they don't work.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
My heroes have always been poofters: Theme of the march of the poofter boys.
My husband cheats on me so much, I don't even know if this is his baby!
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
My mum says if I've got one of these, I can get one of those any time I want.
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings! Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
My name's Virginia. You can call me Virgin for short, but not for long.
My name's Xxxx Xxxxxxx - people call me Forrest Gump.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My sense of humour is just simple. That's because I'm a woman.
My skin's leaking.
My teeth itch.
My trousers are full of love.
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her  ... or something like that.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Nail me to a barn and call me Hector!
Napier for the time of your life.
Nappies on a clothesline : internationally recognised signal of distress.
Nasic?
Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground.
Necessity is a mother.
Neigh, neigh said the Mayor.
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Never argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Never ask him a question, unless you want the whole answer.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Never be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never call people fools. Borrow from them.
Never complain and never explain.
Never confuse motion with action.
Never contradict. Never explain. Never apologise.
Never copy what you can trace.
Never count your chickens before they are laid.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never draw what you can copy.
Never drink whisky without water. Never drink water without whisky.
Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never eat on an empty stomach.
Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a `y' in it.
Never fear, Smith is here!
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never hit anyone with glasses. Use a baseball bat.
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
Never leave the table hungry.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never let your willpower get the best of you.
Never look back. Someone might be gaining.
Never mind, you tried your hardest and that wasn't good enough.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never say yes to an insurance salesman.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never start a frisbee manoeuvre with anything more than `Watch this!'
Never start the day until it is finished on paper.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never value the valueless. The trick is to know how to recognise it.
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
Never, never, never, never give up.
New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be.
New Zealand Post charges 40c for letters - that's 1c delivery, 39c storage.
New Zealand Thirst. A really wild party.
New lamps for old!
New life : New heart : New Zealand
New systems generate new problems.
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is already full.
Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni.
Nice guys finish last, but get to sleep in.
Nice try but no conversion.
Nice work.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Nine And A Half Weeks - A film with gratuitous clothing.
Nix: The Goddess of the underworld.
No I have not - and especially that one!
No bird soars too high, if she soars with her own wings.
No dogs - No golf - No rubbish
No drinks'table I haven't had a cunt all night.
No dwarves need apply.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No grand idea was ever born in a conference; many foolish ones have died there.
No hard feelings, especially not on my part anyway.
No man can think clearly when his cheeks are clenched.
No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.
No man is a dunny - John Island.
No man is an island - John Donne
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
No man is ever old enough to know better.
No matter how great your triumphs, a billion Chinese couldn't care less.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
No matter where you go, there you are.
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No problem is so large it can't be fitted in somewhere.
No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.
No story, straight to bed.
No tickety wickety.
No tree is too big for a short dog to lift his leg on.
No, I lost the arm in a road accident.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Nobody ever says "it's only a game" when their team is winning.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Nobody likes playing against the whinge.
Nobody likes playing against the wind.
Nobody misses a slice off a cut loaf.
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organisation.
Nobody really sings in an opera. They just make loud noises.
Nobody's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Noddy bangs chooks.
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
Nondeterminism means never having to say you're wrong.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
Not knowing when dawn will come I open every door.
Not like that, like that!
Not many people would be stupid enough to do that...but I would!
Not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Nothing astonishes so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing beats our service.
Nothing can change my traditional right to be stupid.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realisation that it's time to get up.
Nothing exceeds like excess!
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Nothing is impossible for the woman who doesn't have to do it herself.
Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it themselves.
Nothing is more horrible than ignorance in action.
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Nothing is wasted, nothing is in vain: The seas roll over but the rocks remain.
Nothing recedes like recess.
Nothing recedes like success.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Nothing sucks seeds like a toothless canary.
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Notice how all the letters of the word `database' are typed with the left hand?
Notice how the newspapers don't refer to `gay plague' any longer?
Notre vieux guillaume est le meilleur du monde.
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party.
Now please explain your explanation.
Now that I am here, where am I?
Nuclear war...may not be desirable.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
O 4 1 0 E.
OH HOLD!!
OK, guys, coffee break over, back on your heads.
OWNER-OPERATINING-SYS
Obstinate oxen waste their strength.
Of COURSE he wants another beer!
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
Of course I want it today! If I wanted it tomorrow, I'd ask for it tomorrow!
Of course I'll still respect you in the morning.
Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Of course, in this business anything's possible.
Of two friends, one is always the slave of the other.
Off we go with 3 minutes commercial free music...
Off with the speed of a thousand startled gazelles.
Oh Ruby! please take your love to town.
Oh, Be A Fine Girl, Kiss Me Right Now, Smack!
Oh, I do like to whinge beside the seaside, I do like to whinge beside the sea.
Oh, joy! Oh, raptor!
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!
Oh, joy! Oh, rupture!
Oh, no, not again!
Oh, that such wickedness could be!
Oh, the impotence, only the aphorisms file to get revenge!
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
Oh, you're sad!
Oily Jim always presses the Up button when he wants to go down.
Oily Jim doesn't have to walk on water.  He floats.
Old Sock. The after shave for the really weird.
Old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
Old giraffes cast long shadows.
Old photographers never die. They just go out of focus.
Old professors never die. They simply lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Old sins cast long shadows.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
On 1st December, 1997, Ian ate a salad roll (by accident) without flinching.
On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to wolf with the red roses?
On a night like this I deserve to get kissed at least once or twice.
On six joints a day, not a lot.
On the continent people have good food; in England people have good manners.
On the other hand, suppose they gave a war and everybody came.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
On the tap in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
On this day in 1864 Quentin Furbler invented the folding breadboard.
On this site in 1897, nothing happened.
On your marks, get set, are you ready? Let's go!
On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Once a king, always a king.
Once a knight, enough for anybody.
Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.
Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.
Once: Enough.
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
One change leaves the way open for the introduction of others.
One day, a lemming will fly.
One difference between man and machine is a machine is quiet when well oiled.
One for the money, two for the show.
One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
One lie is often better than two: `My bus didn't come' `Also, I was sick'
One man's meat is another homme's poisson.
One man's warrior is another man's lunch. Ancient Maori proverb.
One neuron short of synapse.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One of the best things about Napier is `Big Fresh'.
One of the best things about Napier is big sheep.
One of the few women I know that doesn't need shoulder pads.
One planet is all you get.
One reason people stop learning is they become less willing to risk failure.
One seems to think that hotels collapse in Cairo with some regularity.
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
One should never generalize.
One side of her brain is shorter than the other so she thinks round in circles.
One swallow doesn't make a summer.
One thing about big women: they're warm in the winter and shady in the summer.
One thing about children: they don't pull out pictures of their grandparents.
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
One thought fills immensity.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on her.
One with God is a majority.
One's action ought to come from achieved stillness; not to be mere rushing on.
One, two, miss a few, ninety-nine, a hundred.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Only 26 miles to Einstein's birthday.
Only 32000 of us left and we have eaten all the moas. How about a treaty?
Only God can make random selections.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Only bastards buy battery eggs.
Only the little people pay taxes.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Only women bleed.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Optimisation hinders evolution.
Orchestra really is an anagram of carthorse.
Oregon: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Our Marks, Which art with Spencers, Hallowed be thy foodhall.
Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Our cheque is in the mail.
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight solutions.
Our sol, our sol, our soldiers went to war.
Our soldiers went to war with pistols at their side.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Out of the frying pan into the fire.
Out of your depth.  Join Kim Hill who asks the silly questions on your behalf.
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
Over the fence is out.
Over the next few years you will definitely change your opinions or keep them!
Overdrawn? But I still have cheques left!
Overload - core meltdown sequence initiated.
PA is not dull - it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, NJ.
PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.
Painting China for pleasure and profit.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Passengers: self loading cargo.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
Patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings.
Patriotism: sense of responsibility. Nationalism: cock crowing on its own dung.
Paul 'never mind the quality feel the width' Holmes. A pratts pratt.
Paul Holmes' real name is Bert Cladbong.
Paul Reeves? Oh, yes, I remember when he was a Pakeha.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Paul Umms. A man of no seasons.
Pax vobiscum.
Peace: in international affairs, period of cheating between periods of fighting.
Penises have been around longer than dictionaries.
Penny wise, pound foolish.
People Can't Remember Computer Industry Acronyms.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People do things for their reasons, not for yours.
People don't change their careers; they're engulfed by them.
People spontaneously explode, it happens all the time. Natural causes.
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
People who enjoy quiz shows are easily impressed by their own ignorance.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
People who live in mansions deserve to pay more than people who live in caves.
People who smile when things go wrong have thought of someone to blame it on.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People wrapped up in themselves make very small packages.
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.
Personally, I have always looked upon cricket as organised loafing.
Peter is sick today with a 'horrible stomach' - but he's also sick!
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
Phongarei, sounds as it is spelt.
Pick me up and curl me.
Pick your apples like you pick your friends - carefully!
Pick your apples like you pick your nose - carefully!
Picture of Dorian Gray: starring Sir Cliff Richard.
Pipe cleaner: a toothpick with long underwear.
Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
Plan for the future, because that's where you will spend the rest of your life.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Play that funky music, white boy.
Please do not sit on the chair person.
Please give your chin a rest.
Please ignore previous aphorism.
Please may I have a slice of dry bread. A crust, if you've got one.
Please take note:
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
Pleasure and profit for pleasure and profit.
Podiacide: to shoot oneself in the foot.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Power to the perverts. Support same sex marriage.
Power without responsibility - prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages.
Power: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Prayers plow not! Praises reap not! Joys laugh not! Sorrows weep not!
Prayers plow not! Praises reap not! Joys laugh not! Sorrows weep not! So What!
Prayers plow not!Praises reap not!Joys laugh not!Sorrows weep not!So What not!
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Prepositions are very bad things to end sentences with.
Preserve wildlife - Pickle a squirrel
Presidents can con anyone, they even vote for themselves.
Press FORE Q or HIND Q Weight Buttons
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key...no,no,no,no, Not that one!
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Pretentious, moi?
Prime prat.
Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
Prisons are built with the stones of Law, Brothels with bricks of Religion.
Prize prat.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Procrastination is the thief of time.
Productivity with performance.
Program missing or inaccessible
Programmer: Red-eyed, mumbling mammal who can converse with inanimate objects.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
Providing Integrated Software to the Meat Processing Industry for over 10 years.
Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity.
Pull off: win, manage successfully.
Punctuality is the politeness of kings.
Punctures from only $10
Pure invention is but the talent of a liar.
Pure pop for now people.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Put Descartes before De horse.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Put your head beteen them and go blubble, blubble, blubble.
Put your nose to the Grindstone!
Put your trust in God, but keep your powder dry.
Q: How many Surrealists to change a lightbulb? A: Fish.
Quantity breeds quality.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quick! Act as if nothing has happened!
Quick! Put it back into SCCS before she overwrites it?
Quid pro quo.
Quis custodiet custodies? Ipsus!
Quocunque jeceris stabit.
Qvid me anxivs svm?
R R R !
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Rain will make the flowers grow.
Ranked in order, the 3 types of intelligence are: Human, Animal and Military.
Ratz
Reach out and grep someone.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Read my lips: no new taxes.
Real Programmers don't use debug. Now, how do you use debug again?
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real Time: Here and now, opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold.
Real programmers don't document: Hard to write should be hard to understand.
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
Really? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!
Reason is a tool. Try to remember where you left it.
Recursion: see Recursion
Red lorry, yellow lorry,
Red roses every night.
Refrigerator: Place for storing food too fresh to throw out until it isn't.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Remember our motto: The more you drink, the better we sound.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat.
Remember, the labrador is NOT called Goldie.
Remember, you heard it first on moaner news.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Resistance is useless! (if under 1 ohm)
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Richard Long's hairstyle is terrible. I've got better hair on my pussy.
Richard The Lion Heart summons his favourite knight.
Road sign or place for a halo (10, 5)
Roll up, roll up. Get your tickets here!
Roo nunging, for pleasure and profit.
Rotorua: full of surprises
Ruby, Don't take your love to town.
Rugby is a game played by men with odd shaped balls.
Run for the hills, the dam is breaking.
Runs like a dog and barks like a cat.
Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey! Details at eleven!
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
SOFTWARE - formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS backwards!
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Saint - A dead sinner revised and edited.
Saints above, for a moment there I thought you said you'd become a Protestant.
Same ship, different funnel.
Samfala samting oli semak long evri lanwis.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
San Francisco: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
Sapos yu no wantem pikinini, be yu no mekem pikinini.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Scary stuff.
Scary, eh?
Schindler's List: A moving story about people.
Schindlers Lifts: A story about moving people.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Schwing!
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Scrunglebuggly. Woppledop. Googly-monster. Nodel. Not reserved words - yet!
Second place is for the first loser.
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
See Spot jump. Hear Fluffy whinge.
See how they run.
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.
See you next time on The Muppet Show.
See you round like a rissole.
Seeing as you are such a good mate, how about $150?
Seems to be is more important than is.
Select http://www.life.napier.govt.nz/ or http://www.death.hastings.govt.nz/
Seli Hoo!
Semper ubi sub ubi
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Set a thief to catch a thief.
Several excuses are less convincing than one.
Sex is acceptable, but it's not as good as the real thing.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. `Yes' is the answer.
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
Sex without love is an empty experience but as they go, it's one of the best.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No. (from a shorter Shakespeare).
Share your problems with God - He'll be up all night anyway.
Shared memory and license manager (acushare) is not running
She ain't heavy, she's my brother.
She always cared for others. You could tell the others by their hunted look.
She called the child Fergus, that's fungus without the "erg".
She can't sing to save a song.
She changed a win-win situation into an on-going lose-lose situation.
She didn't even know what a carpenter was.
She died of a brain haemorrhoid.
She doesn't even have 20/20 hindsight.
She fell into the lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of herself.
She had a big appetite - she could eat a whole chocolate fish in one go.
She had all the allure of an airline salad.
She hadn't a single redeeming vice.
She has a certain emetic effect.
She has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
She has been taking idiot lessons from Kim Hill.
She humped them up to the top of the hill and humped them down again.
She is a stranger in her own home town.
She is as honest as a list MP.
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
She is guilty who is not at home.
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
She is now rising from affluence to poverty.
She keeps her Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet.
She knows nothing but thinks she knows everything. We suggest political career.
She knows there's no success like failure and that failure is no success at all.
She lies like a list MP.
She looked at me as if I were a side dish she hadn't ordered.
She never alters her opinions as standing water breeds reptiles of the mind.
She never wrote it down, but she said it often.
She refuses to eat more quickly. (6)
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
She slept under the bed because she was a little potty.
She sows hurry and reaps indigestion.
She spelt like an engineer.
She that is down need fear no fall.
She told me to stand here.
She took an IQ test and the results were negative.
She used to be conceited but now she's absolutely perfect.
She was a girl from Birmingham.
She was a good woman, in the worst sense of the term.
She was a graduate of the school of hard knockers.
She was a woman ahead of her time. By about 8 minutes.
She was about as much use as Quasimodo's duffle bag.
She was about as much use as a back pocket in a string vest.
She was about as much use as a backward barracuda.
She was about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
She was about as much use as a core dump.
She was about as much use as a fart in a spacesuit.
She was about as much use as a fur lined minge whistle.
She was about as much use as a list MP.
She was about as much use as a screen door on a submarine.
She was about as much use as an intellectually challenged rocking-horse.
She was an upsidedown girl. Her feet smelled and her nose ran.
She was born under the delusion that all people are created interesting.
She was only the grocer's daughter but she taught Sir Geoffrey Howe.
She was only the morse operator's daughter, but she did it did it did it.
She was poor but she was honest.
She was shooting words at a hundred mouths per hour.
She was so narrow minded she could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
She who Laughs, Lasts.
She who begins many things, finishes but few.
She who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.
She who fears nothing has nothing to fear.
She who has suffered you to impose on her knows you.
She who is hasty with her feet misses her way.
She who laughs last thinks slowest.
She who pays the piper calls the tune.
She who shouts the loudest has the floor.
She who sneezes between the onion and the peel picks up its stink.
She whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.
She'd pass for forty-three in the dusk with the light behind her.
She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake.
She's genuinely bogus.
She's got back trouble...can't get it off the mattress.
She's just a politician trying to save both her faces.
She's lovely and deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
She's probably over the worst of it by now.
She's the kind of woman for the times that need the kind of woman she is.
She: A sexist pronoun. Try using it instead.
She: All flesh is grass. He: Moo.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Shingle spoken by many foreigners. (6, 7)
Shirts and shoes are required. Bras and panties are optional.
Should my bint have a bonzer bod?
Show me a caring capitalist and I'll show you a vegetarian wolf.
Show me a good loser and I'll show you someone playing golf with the boss.
Show me a good loser and I'll show you someone playing squash with the boss.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
Shut up and get on with your work.
Shut up.
Si quis nunc loquitur, nihil habebit.
Siamese twin kills sister in bungled suicide attempt.
Sic freat crustulum.
Sic transit gloria mundi.
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
Simply the best. Waitotara Meat Company better than all the rest!!
Simultaneously a Rotarian and a Catholic.
Sin hielo, por favor.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
Sing if you're glad to be gay.
Sippers Digest Condensed soup? Everything useful has been removed.
Sipping whisky from a paper cup, you drown your sorrows till you can't stand up.
Six months ago I couldn't spell Data. I still can't pronounce it correctly.
Sixty minutes. Rat shit surrounded by ratchets.
Size: at the end of the day, it's not really up there with the big issues.
Skiers say skiing is a matter of life and death but it's much more important.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Slang is language that takes off its pants and pisses on its boots.
Slimy Benny and MMP.  Life is so full.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile for the cameraman.
Snoodle doodle doodle!
So Daniel went and spent the night in the cat house.
So I don't exist! So I count for nothing! Try saying that on the streets!
So clever it doesn't even work.
So far as I remember, not one word in the Gospels praises intelligence.
So little time, so little to do.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
So she left the Alliance to form the watasilimu party by herself.
So that's why you called your company Microsoft!
So was the Titanic.
So why the long face?
So why the round face?
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Socialist Realism is the Art of the State.
Sociology is the study of us and Anthropology is the study of them.
Socrates assures us that hemlock is not addictive.
Sod this for a lark, I'm going on a crusade.
Solly Rosenbaum Superstar.
Solly Saves.
Solutions for a small planet.
Some argue foolishly, that gin alone does not a TV evangelist make.
Some day, my prince will come, she said, stirring the soup with her other hand.
Some days it is, some days it isn't.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge-he only gargled.
Some of my best friends worship dead Jews.
Some of the dispossessed Irish peasants went to New Zealand to became maoris.
Some people think little girls should be seen and not had.
Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard.
Some people would consider themselves lucky to be in hospital.
Some people wouldn't recognise subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Some things are the same in any language.
Some trust in chariots.
Somebody's boring me...I think it's me.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
Something for the weekend, sir?
Sometimes I don't know why I get frightened.
Sometimes I simply feel that the world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let him sleep.
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high.
Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires.
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Soothing massage - call 845 0445
Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Speak softly and carry a big stick.
Special conditions apply.
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
Spice Girls? You mean Pop Tarts.
Spin a long time, spin a long time, spin a long lonely, lonely, lonely time.
Spring, an experience in immortality.
Standardised, pasteurised and homogenised.
Start a Trend : Bonk a Friend
Start a Trend : Bring a Friend
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Start slow and taper off.
Statisticians: They are good with numbers but find accountancy too exciting.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
Steve's aphorism:
Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.
Stimulate all the areas of your brain, sniff a peppermint NOW!
Stop me and buy one.
Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath.
Strange that the people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously!
Strap me to a beehive and smear my ears with honey!
Strap me to an anthill and smear my ears with jam!
Strawberry yoghurty, raspberry yoghurty...
Strength through joy.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
Strike 3! You are out.
Stupid: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
Substance abuse ranges from injection of drugs to throwing of cream buns.
Subtract : Divide : Add : Multiply
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
Success is more a function of consistent common sense than it is of genius.
Successful tools are used to do something undreamed of by their makers.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Suck me dry and call me dusty.
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Superiority is recessive.
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Support global warming, ban population control.
Support your right to bare arms!
Suppose there was a brand new global war.
Suppose they gave a war and no-one came.
Sure, winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Surprise is the last refuge of the incontinent.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Surrounded by the voices of strangers.
Suzi Cato: "I hope you enjoyed going up and down with me this afternoon."
Sweater: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Sweet and sour curried snails and pasta with mushroom and a scoop of chips.
Swing low, sweet chario - SPLAT! - t, coming for to carry me home.
Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
TVNZ, where we cram 20 minutes of news into a one hour news broadcast.
TWAIN: Technology Without An Interesting Name.
Tact: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Take care, because I care.
Take each day 64 bits at a time.
Take everything in your stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
Take the bull by the horns.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Taking it to the world.
Talk language: how to use conversation for profit and pleasure.
Talk sense to a fool and she calls you foolish.
Talkers are no good doers.
Talking about a revulsion, yeah, yeah, grunt, snort.
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
Tankyu tumas blong givhan blong yu.
Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the one for which you can get an extension.
Tea bar: place where one may purchase tea.
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
Tele-evangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Tell me - I forget : Show me - I understand : Involve me - I remember.
Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Tell the boys I want them to watch Walter Little.
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
Terminator 2 - a film with depth.
Terrific work.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Thank you for calling. Call again.
Thank you for correcting my spelling!
Thank you for your order.
That indefatigable and unsavoury engine of pollution, the dog.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
That should boost the margarine sales considerably.
That was very interesting. Now go away.
That wasn't me, but I would have loved to have done it.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say `no' in any of them.
That would really set the cat among the pigeons.
That would really upset the apple-cart.
That'd be the butt.
That's a very nice thing for a surrogate brother to say.
That's funnier in Serbian!
That's not a bug, it's a feature.
That's not a thimble. It's armour, a Turkish nipple protector!
That's not encouraging.
That's not even mildly amusing.
That's not funny, it's just mildly amusing.
That's not right. That's not even wrong.
That's not the way it works.
That's one small step for man, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm donuts.
That's one small step for man, one diant leap for mankind.
That's so miserable and I'm really fed up. Is it possible to be happier?
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How much do I owe you?
That's very generous of you.
That's very good work.
That's why I keep falling over and whacking the side of my head.
The Adventures of Tiny Lizard.
The Americas Cup has almost become the Americas Plate.
The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion.
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
The Artful Todger.
The Ayatollah Khomeini is a Shi'ite.
The Bible says nothing about dinosaurs or radar.
The Cat and Fiddle is now open.
The Crown is full of it!
The Eleventh Commandment: Don't give up.
The English are best. I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.
The English never enjoy themselves, except for a noble purpose.
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
The Forte Express facility allows automated rapid building of CRUD applications.
The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
The Jesus industry is becoming ever more seedy.
The Killer Ducks are coming!
The Kim Hill show. Crap without those intrusive commercials.
The Last Don II.
The Lord makes 'em and the Devil pairs 'em.
The Mayor of Hiroshima said so.
The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
The Pope headbutts the Queen.
The Pope wears hand me down hats.
The Presbyterian mixed rain dancing team will be performing again this weekend.
The Readers Digest Sock Research Institute does not lie.
The Te Awanga Brass Band.
The Universe is hard to comprehend because there's nothing to compare it with.
The aborigines in Australia first, the maoris in New Zealand First.
The adverb always follows the verb.
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.
The answer is blowing in the whinge.
The answer lies in the soil.
The ant who cried aardvark.
The aphorisms for adults.
The apple tree never asks the beech how it shall grow.
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
The artiste formerly known as 'You noisy bastard'.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The barble is not the book of God.
The benefit of not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise.
The best defence against logic is ignorance.
The best exercise for the butt is to bend over for somebody else.
The best exercise for the heart is to lean over backwards for somebody else.
The best thing about Alzheimer's is you get to hide your own Xmas presents.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
The best thing about pagan friends is, they worship the ground that you walk on.
The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
The best wine is the oldest, the best cat used to be.
The best wine is the oldest, the best water the newest.
The better you are, the lickier you get.
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.
The bland leadeth the bland and both shall fall into the kitsch.
The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France.
The boy stood on the burning deck.
The bravest animals in the land are Captain Beaky and his band.
The busy bee has no time for sorrow.
The busy cat has no time for treacle.
The calliope crashed to the ground.
The camel never sees its hump: that of its brother is always before its eyes.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uh...
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The choice is simple: Deep and meaningful or shallow and meaningless.
The cistern contains: the fountain overflows.
The cistern is tidy: the fountain is a mess.
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
The condemned cannibal ate a hearty warder.
The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for people to eat.
The crinimals steal aminals.
The crow wished every thing was black, the owl that every thing was white.
The crowded trouser is the wrath of God.
The cruellest lies are often told in silence.
The cut worm forgives the plow.
The danger of the past: men became slaves. The future danger: men become robots.
The day is infinite for him who knows how to appreciate and use it.
The demi-god stands on the hemisphere looking at the half-moon.
The devil made me do it the first time. After that, I did it all by myself.
The devil will find work for idle hands to do.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
The difference is clear.
The drop of rain maketh a hole in the stone not by violence but by oft falling.
The eagle never lost so much time, as when it submitted to learn of the crow.
The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The elephant cannot change its mind.
The elephant cannot change its trousers.
The elephant changes its mind as often as oily Jim makes sense.
The elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
The end of the world will occur at 3pm this Friday, with symposium to follow.
The epitome of sartorial elegance.
The eyes of fire, the beard of earth, the smile of dirty Erlin.
The eyes of fire, the nostrils of air, the mouth of water, the beard of earth.
The fact that it works is immaterial.
The family that plays together stays together.
The family that prays together lays together.
The family that strangles together dangles together.
The fart's greater than the hole.
The fat lady can't sing.
The file which I have accidentally deleted was due for archival sometime anyway.
The first bug to hit a clean windscreen lands directly in front of your eyes.
The first cut is the deepest.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
The first fart is the smelliest.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
The first rule is, there are no rules!
The first three minutes of life are the most dangerous.
The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off.
The fox provides for himself, but gran provides for the lion.
The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The gift of herpes. Far better to give than to receive.
The gift of love. Far better to give than to receive.
The good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
The good thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The grass is greener on the other side-but that's because they use more manure.
The graveyards are full of indispensable people.
The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism.
The greatest danger of bombs is in the explosion of stupidity that they provoke.
The greatest invention since braille traffic lights.
The half's greater than the whole.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
The hardest thing in the world: to accept a little success & leave it that way.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The healthy don't torture others-mostly it's the tortured who become torturers.
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
The higher the monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
The hours of folly are fed by the cat but of wisdom no cat can fathom.
The hours of folly are measured by the clock but of wisdom no clock can measure.
The howling whinge of change is whistling through the land.
The howling wind of change is whistling through the land.
The human differs from lesser primates in the passion for lists of `Ten Best'.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The illegal we do at once, the unconstitutional takes a little longer.
The impossible we do at once, miracles take a little longer.
The key to flexibility is indecision.
The king leopard cannot change its stripes.
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
The leopard cannot change its spots.
The leopard does not wish to change its spots.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
The lion never asks the horse how he shall take his prey.
The lioness never asks the mare how she shall take her prey.
The list MP from Hell.
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
The lunatics have taken over the asylum.
The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.
The madness in this method is not readily apparent.
The main problem with this office. The sleeping accommodation is third world.
The man was either mad, or both.
The man who cries cries.
The man who mistook his wife for a hat.
The management are not responsible for the views expressed in these aphorisms.
The mass of a nation...will more easily fall victim to a big lie than small lie.
The meek shall inherit the earth - but not its mineral rights.
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
The meteorologist left town because the weather didn't agree with him.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
The more a monkey climbs, the more you can see of his behind.
The more law and order is made prominent, the more thieves there will be.
The more often I have a good attitude, the more often I get shafted.
The more often I have a good attitude, the more often I have a good day.
The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
The more things a man has to be ashemed of, the more respectable he is.
The more things change, the more they are the same.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
The most common element in the universe is stupidity.
The most sublime act is to set another before you.
The most valuable antiques are old friends.
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The moving cursor writes and, having writ, blinks on.
The moving finger writes and, having writ, moves on.
The moving furgler bonks and, having bonked, moves on.
The nakedness of woman is the work of God.
The name is Baud. James Baud.
The next meeting of the Moa protection society has been postponed.
The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog: it feeds the hand that bites it.
The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
The nuclear industry is noted for talking bollocks, and other amazing phenomena.
The old ones are the best.
The older I get, the better I was.
The older a lamb gets, the more sheepish it becomes.
The older a woman gets, the farther she had to walk to school as a boy.
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The only rose without thorns and friendship or each week day.
The only rose without thorns is Gladys Poon's sister.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only rose without throns is friendship.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only thing that is constant is change.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The operation was a success but the patient died.
The opossum is a sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The optimum committee has no members.
The original aphorism program for adults.
The ornaments of our house are the friends that frequent it.
The passive voice should never be used.
The past is a foreign country and Lovejoy doesn't live there any more.
The past is a foreign country. They do things differently there.
The past looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
The point of good writing is knowing when to stop.
The pride of the peacock is the glory of Elvis.
The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The problem with unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
The programmers beer: DB Schema.
The programmers comedian: Sign Field.
The protesters carried traditional clubs, spears and softball bats.
The punch has all been drunk and the drunks have all been punched.
The quality of a champagne is judged by the noise the cork makes when is popped.
The quality of mercy is not strnen.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
The real problem of your leisure is how to keep other people from using it.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider wisdom.
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
The rich are not like us. No, they have more money.
The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs.
The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along.
The room seemed emptier whenever she entered it.
The scourge of political correctness.
The second word makes the quarrel.
The self-assertion seminar was fully booked. I said it didn't matter.
The seminar on time travel will be two weeks ago.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The short answer is `I don't know'. The long answer is also `I don't know'.
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The site file (UWSITE.DAT) has at least one silly name in it.
The songs you sing are meaningless.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
The soul of sweet delight can never be defiled.
The stallion became a gelding, and has now become a mayor.
The sum of the intelligence on earth is a constant; the population is growing.
The superfluous is very necessary.
The system is able to edit the date back beyond the most recent contract date.
The thankful receiver bears a plentiful harvest.
The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.
The toughest thing about success is you've got to keep on being a success.
The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.
The trivialisation of human sexuality.
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The trouble with life in the fast lane is you get to the end in a big rush.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
The views expressed in these aphorisms are bloody good ones.
The views expressed in these aphorisms may not be the views of the programmers.
The vixen condemns the trap, not herself.
The vixen provides for herself, but God provides for the lioness.
The voters have spoken, the bastards, just like Forrest Gump.
The voters have spoken, the bastards.
The warning message was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
The weak in courage is strong in cunning.
The woman who mistook herself for a programmer.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit.
The world is theirs who have money to go over it.
The world will only improve when the power of love supersedes the love of power.
The world's as ugly as sin and almost as delightful.
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.
TheSwordisMightierThanThePenis.
Them that has, gets.
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking.
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
There are no answers, only cross references.
There are no problems, only fish.
There are no problems, only opportunities.
There are no strangers, only friends we haven't yet avoided.
There are no strangers, only friends we haven't yet met.
There are not enough windows in a day.
There are three kinds of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
There are two ways to dislike poetry: dislike poetry or read Pope.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
There has been a sudden increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is a green hill far away.
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
There is no point being so open minded that your brains fall out.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, large breasts.
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
There is no such thing as a good war or a bad peace.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is no warranty, expressed or implied, in this aphorism program.
There is only one alley in Birmingham, and that is Needless.
There is only one cure for grey hair, the French invented it...the guillotine.
There is something you ought to know about God. It's green.
There is something you ought to know about God. She's black.
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
There were four only children in my family.
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot
There's always one more bug.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no future in time travel.
There's no point in asking : you'll get no reply.
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
There's no real need to do housework-after four years it doesn't get any worse.
There's no time like the present.
There's nothing geeky about being a tramper.
There's nothing quite like a Holden.
There's nothing quite like a Lada.
There's some people you just can't reach.
They also surf who only stand on waves.
They both have a black box.
They called her Bargain because she was 50% off.
They called her Harpic because she was clean round the bend.
They called her the chair but she sounded more like a dish washer to me.
They changed the school's name so they wouldn't keep shouting `Up Lady Antonia!'
They drive romantically in Ghana.
They screw this up every night in St Louis.
They shall grow not old as we that are left grow old.
They sicken of the calm that know the storm.
They tell you who you are and who you're not allowed to be.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!
They'd never (be stupid enough to) make her a manager.
They're all out and the last one's a duck.
They're only trying to make ends meet in a world that doesn't care.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
They're very heavy to carry round and you can't take them on a bus.
Thin is in, foam is out.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Things will be bright this afternoon. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Things will surely get worse before they get better.
Think "HONK" if you're telepathic.
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the right to do the same.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say `think think click click'
Think w(h)in(ge) w(h)in(ge).
This Tuesday's meeting will not be held as usual.
This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of PI change.
This aphorism cannot be politically correct because it was written by a man.
This aphorism contains two erors.
This aphorism intentionally not included.
This aphorism is false.
This aphorism left intentionally blank.
This aphorism no verb.
This aphorism program is shrinking at the rate of three aphorisms every year.
This aphorism program out of order.
This can't be heaven - I recognise it.
This cat is an over-achiever. She has ten lives.
This computer does not make mistooks.
This decision will harm Australia's cultural identity.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
This is a case of the blind leading the not so well sighted.
This is a matter for the French Government.
This is a matter for the Nigerian Government.
This is garet! They spelt her name correctly!
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with force.
This is not sex, it's rage.
This is the face of the moon, with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Can you do it?
This is uncommon nonsense.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88.
This message cannot be repeated. I repeat, this message cannot be repeated.
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
This mind must remain closed at all times.
This program will run and run.
This tape will self destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Jim.
This was a result of our company being placed under psychic attack.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........PawPaw.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Row Toe Rue Ah!
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Tampon.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Tarpair.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........TiePea.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........ToePooh.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Turpil.
This white horse walked into a bar and asked for a beer with an Eric chaser.
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, manage.
Those who forget their past are condemned to repeat it.
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
Three cheers for the grey, white and black.
Three hundred passengers are stranded on both sides of the Tasman.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three things I always forget:
Three things I always forget: Names, faces and the third I can't remember.
Three ways to get it done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids.
Throughout, the author walks a tightrope between authenticity and decency.
Ths phrsm cntns n vwls
Thursday night - Church Potluck Supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.
Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Time may or may not be a great healer, but it's sure one terrible beautician.
Time takes no prisoners.
Timeout waiting for reply from acushare
Timothy Leary is dead.
Tiresome, complaining, a praiser of past times.
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
To air is human, unfortunately.
To be idle requires a strong sense of personal identity.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To be is to be perceived.
To be or not to be, that is the Sorgenplatt.
To be out once or twice. (6, 3, 6)
To be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues again.
To boldly fob, where no man has fobbed before.
To boldly split infinitives that no man has split before.
To create a little flower is the labour of ages.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction.
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To live outside the law you must be honest.
To love another person is to see the face of God.
To make eggnog, you need rum, whisky, wine, gin and, if they're in season, eggs.
To make sense of this aphorism, just change one pig.
To play the trumpet badly is to do the devil's work.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...or is it?
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Today is a good day to die.
Today is be kind to a rat day. Will you be my friend?
Today is find something furry in the sugar day. Enjoy.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
Today the horse committee will discuss the shape and location of the ears.
Today's sound today.
Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
Tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Too much biscuit and not enough wine.
Too much is never enough!
Too much month left at the end of the money.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Too old to rock 'n' roll : too young to die.
Took the Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.
Total abstinence is easier to me than perfect moderation.
Tough job, but someone's got to do it.
Travel important today; Inland Revenue staff arrive tomorrow.
Treacle Sticks. Love Furts.
Trouser me big Ralph.
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
Truth can never be told so as to be understood, and not be believed.
Truth is a pointed stick.
Truth is an arrow.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try not to have a good time...This is supposed to be educational.
Try the Zap Mat fat battler in your own home, for only $700.00 plus GST.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Try to not split infinitives.
Tuesday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life...all those meetings.
Tuku Morgan briefed the Cabinet last week.
Turoa for fun and freedom.
Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
Twenty-nine year old grandmother calls for better sex education in schools.
Twinings Pure Peppermint - Ingredients: Peppermint.
Two Mikes do not make a sound system.
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
Two furgles make a hump.
Two hats are better than one. (Old Serbian proverb).
Two lovely fur seals walk into a club.
Two men looked out through prison bars. One saw mud, the other stars.
Two nybbles make a byte.
Two out of three ain't bad.
Two parts of men's brain are faulty: shopping and relationships.
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
Two reads don't make a write.
Two things I can't stand: Racism and Poms.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Tyranny is always better than organised freedom.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
UNIX is the operating system of the future, and it always will be.
UWKNAW.DAT!
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Ubi fibes ibi lux et robur.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee
Under the conditions of tyranny, it is far easier to act than think.
Under-achieving For Pleasure And Profit.
Unfair: tsetse fly, booby, sapsucker. bullhead, duck-billed platypus, Clarence
Unhappiness is best described as the difference between talent and expectation.
Unity is strength.
Universe: The problem.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies reject the proposal.
Unparalleled tracking control and pinpoint mousing accuracy.
Up is up, yours is yours.
Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Use Berko skin cream. Keep your skin as soft as your head.
User: A programmer who will believe anything you tell her.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
VENI, VIDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Veni : vidi : vici
Veni : vidi : whingi
Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Very good work, well done.
Very well done in deed.
Video killed the radio star.
Vincent wishes all his readers a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Ear.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Virtue is its own reward.
Vishnu: The great washing machine salesman in the sky.
Visit Napier's 'House of Slags'.  You will get more than you came for.
Visit me at http://members.tripod.com/~iwh/
Visit rsi support at http://www.professional-firefighters-union.org.nz/
Visit the aphorisms home page at http://www.aphorisms.co.nz/
Visit the moon and go bonkers!
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
Vivu la verda stelo!
Vote anarchist.
W.S. Babcock Nears its Centennial.
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Walk briskly and carry a damp newspaper.
Waltzing Ma~, Waltzing Ma~
Wanted:  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Was it OJ, or was it Bart?
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Washington D.C. is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Wasting your time is what Kim Hill is all about.
Watch what you say.
Watch your world with us.
Watership Down: You've read the book, you've seen the film, now eat the pie!
We (some of us, that is) gave blood for our works outing!
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
We all love the Loon on the hill.
We all love you Kay Aura.
We apologise for the late arrival of this month's magazine.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
We are all winners. You are a winner just to have been born.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
We are not lovers, we are not romantics, we are here to serve you.
We are souls.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We came, we saw, we left.
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
We can feed off each other, we can share our endorphins.
We can supply for our needs, but not for our wants.
We can swing together.
We cannot afford one dissatisfied customer.
We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom.
We guarantee you won't hear the same record twice between 9 and 9:05.
We have a full range of models on the floor.
We have become a grandmother.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us.
We have no enemies. It's just some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We knocked the bugger off.
We might get on like a house on fire, or it might be a bloke!
We must believe in luck. How else to explain the success of those we dislike?
We never did too much talking anyway.
We now present the weather forecast in Menglish.
We often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
We run a pretty tight ship here.
We sit here stranded through we're all doing our best to deny it.
We take customer satisfaction personally.
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom.
We welcome big Toe and his big bag of dried noggins.
We were freezing during the power cut until the backup generator caught fire.
We will endeavour to ensure it tastes particularly yummy.
We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love.
We will win the war because we are Germans.
We won't need reservations.
We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it.
Welcome to Eriiic the Aviiion!
Welcome to Manny Rower's New Zealand.
Welcome to Tehran, where the local time is 1215 AD.
Welcome to The Land Of The Long White Latte.
Welcome to The Pleasure Dome.
Welcome to our world.
Welcome to the Electrolux Hoover.
Welcome to the former Yugoslav Republic of Greek-loving Macedonia.
Well begun is half done.
Well done is better than well said.
Well done.
Well done. Good work.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Well, if I did have a life, I wouldn't enjoy it.
Well, if I did smoke pot as a teenager, I don't remember doing it.
Well, if she gets her hands on them, they never will.
Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?
Well, you might very well think that, but of course I couldn't possibly comment.
Well, you're just puckered at both ends.
What I tell you three times is true.
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What a chum we have in Jesus.
What a day it's been! 70 in the shade but I was smart and stayed in the sun.
What a difference a day makes.
What a fine fissure I am to be sure, but am I a fissure of men?
What an adventure it would be to die.
What are you going to do with the needle?
What are you, some sort of hydroid polyp?
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
What becomes of the broken-trousered?
What can ail thee fat lady at arms, Alone and palely singing.
What can ail thee poofter at arms, Alone and palely blighted.
What did posterity ever do for me?
What did the seagull say when it flew into the cliff?
What do Kiri te Kanawa, Ray Charles, Dionne Warwick and Shirley Bassey share?
What do you call the useless part at the end of a penis?
What do you say to a cup of tea? `Good morning, cup of tea!'
What does a sadist do? Beats me!
What does it mean if it takes you two hours to watch `60 minutes'?
What does it mean if there is no aphorism for you?
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
What good is someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in His footsteps?
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
What is 14th May 1870 always remembered for in New Zealand?
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
What is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
What is now proved was once only imagined.
What is that thing called Love?
What is the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?
What is the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a pumpkin?
What is the point of building a urinal without an arsenal to go with it?
What is the point of making people laugh when you can make them cry?
What is the point of re-inventing the wheel when it is just going to fall off?
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?
What is the sound of one programmer programming?
What is this STANDPACK minus NAME?
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
What is your favourite humming sound?
What on earth is an ear fear?
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
What she lacked in intelligence she made up for in stupidity.
What sort of aphorism is this then?
What sort of array is this then?
What sort of change is this then?
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar bonk.
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
What we have here is failure to communicate.
What we love to do we find time to do.
What we really need is someone who's 31.8% female.
What would you do if this was a power cu.............
What's brown and sticky?
What's love got to do with it?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?
What's the Lord done for you lately?
What's the difference between NZ and natural yoghurt? One has a living culture.
What's the difference between a British cow and an Australian?
What's the difference between a cockroach and an evangelical?
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind as it hits the windscreen?
What's the story, Morning Glory?
What's the story? No story, straight to bed.
What's this we hear about you not having an ulcer?
Whatever became of eternal truth?
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Auckland.
Whatever you do, don't buy a glass chopping board.
Whatever you do, don't read this.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
When I am prime minister no one will make a profit.
When I know I've got rhythm, I know I'm going to be dangerous.
When I say I don't sleep with married men, I mean happily married men.
When I was a girl, I used to scream and shout.
When I was young, I never needed anyone.
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after her - that's where the money is.
When a fellow says, `It ain't the money but the principle', it's the money.
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
When any mechanical contrivance fails it will do so at the worst possible time.
When does summer come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, it was a Tuesday.
When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.
When elephants fight, it is the trousers that suffer.
When force is gone, there's always Mom.
When formalities founder, casual tease.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When elsewhere, do as they do elsewhere.
When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
When in doubt, do what the President does - guess.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
When in doubt, use brute force.
When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When it is not necessary to change, it is necessary not to change.
When justice is gone, there's always force.
When love is gone, there's always justice.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
When planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
When she had nothing left to say she switched over to auto-whinge.
When the President does something, that means it's not illegal.
When the cat's away, the mouse will play.
When the chips are down, I'll be around.
When the church fails, God must intervene.
When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.
When the music's over, turn out the lights.
When the rubber hits the road, the shit hits the fan.
When the wagon of fortune goes well, spite and envy hang on the wheels.
When they heard you were coming, they all hid.
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
When thou seest an Eagle, thou seest a portion of Genius; lift up thy head!
When travelling, never leave a country hungry.
When whales fight, it is the greens that suffer.
When you are getting kicked from the rear it means you're in front.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are on your own, you think a lot, and I don't like to think a lot.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRD.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When you drink from the stream, remember the horse.
When you drink from the stream, remember the spring.
When you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
When you get what you wanted, you don't want it any more.
When you go to buy don't show your silver.
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
When you kill time, you murder success.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you're not looking at it, this aphorism is written in FORTRAN.
Whenever anyone says, `theoretically', they really mean, `not really'.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Where I come from, there's no such word as asapocha.
Where do you stop?
Where do you want to go today?
Where do you want to go, toady?
Where is Uncle Rower?
Where is the manual? Click click, tap tap tap, type, clack tap click click, tap.
Where man is not, nature is barren.
Where profit is, Westpak is lurking nearby.
Where profit is, loss is hidden nearby.
Where the Hell is Womaru?
Where there is human life there is no Justice.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
Wherever you are, God is only a whinge away.
Wherever you are, God isn't.
Whether you can hear it or not the Universe is laughing behind your back.
Whether you're rich or whether you're poor, it's better to be rich.
Which famous U.S. president said "Chew on that then big bum"?
Which local leader spends her time trying to look like her photograph?
Which religion is based on the divine randyness of Kings?
While money can't buy happiness, it lets you choose your own form of misery.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
While most peoples' opinions change, conviction of their correctness never does.
Whinge Lady whinge. Whinge beside my big brass bed.
Whistle while you pork, silence isn't golden.
Whistle while you work.
Who added Jesus Mouse to the customer file?
Who are you calling Wood Eye?
Who do you have to bonk to get rid of Kim Hill.
Who is Manny Rayo?
Who knows the secret of the black magic box?
Who knows the secret of the black magic whinger?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and fart loudly?
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and whinge?
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Who put the pong in Phongarei?
Who started singing?
Who started whinging?
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Who stole the cork out of my lunch?
Who was that idiot?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Who'll come a whinging Matilda with me?
Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Who's a right steamer then?
Who's a silly boy then?
Who's got the hat?
Who's on first?
Whom are you? she asked, for she had been to College.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Why am I allergic to re-cycled news paper and three day old camel shit?
Why are the no issues in the morning?
Why be a man when you can be a success?
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken arrives in a different container.
Why did Kamikaze pilots need helmets?
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why didn't anybody correct his pronunciation?
Why didn't those bastards eight thousand years ago make the year field 9(5) ?
Why do they refer to them as maori, when there are two of them.
Why do those people who say `it goes without saying' never go without saying it?
Why do we kill? We kill for food. And not only food : frequently a drink too.
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
Why doesn't DOS say EXCELLENT Command or Filename?
Why don't we all go down to Roosters for a Birthday celebration, but not invite
Why don't we get our photo taken using someone else's face. (Erlin Cluck).
Why don't you look where I'm going?
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Why eat hamburgers when steak costs the same?
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is it called a word processor? Well, what does a food processor do to food?
Why is it that whenever I see 'F', you see 'K' ?
Why is it windy in Wellington? Because Auckland sucks.
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp.
Why not use off duty poofters as assistant police officers.
Why not? Everybody else does it.
Why should I tidy my desk when the whole world is in a mess?
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
Why was this leaked to the press without consulting me first?
Why? Is your nose bigger?
Will Rogers never met Xxxx Xxxxxxx.
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap? The rest of you, rattle your jewelry.
Will there be drinking?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
Windows: The only 8MB virus
Windows: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
Winnie the Peters, a bore of very little brain.
Winning isn't everything. but losing isn't anything.
Winston First, the party of Laura Norder.
Wir verstehen, aber nur zur Mund.
Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise.
Wit of any form is an achievement in itself.
Wit: Salt with which American Humourist spoils his cookery...by leaving it out.
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
With acu/cobol85, anything can happen.
With acu/cobol85, anything is possible.
With all due respect, you may be stupid, but I am more stupid.
With patience, and help from a worm, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.
With the only mousing surface designed to enhance the performance of your mouse.
Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless.
Without silence, there is no music, only noise.
Wives make paydays necessary.
Woman i sas! Lukaot gud long hem!
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
Word Perfect - Margreat's oxymoron.
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. Also the worst of next year.
Would you bet your life this'll work? Only if I can double or quits if it fails.
Wow Dad, you took a Baptism for me.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
X-rated movies are all alike...all they leave to the imagination is the plot.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Yeah right!
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Yes we have no bwana's, we have no bwana's today.
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yes, but is she a good ?
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
Yes, but you have to feel incredibly guilty all the time.
Yes, bwana.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You are a complete waste of space.
You are a member of Grey Power, Mother Hen, the young girl said.
You are as hard as Lord Longford at a strip show!
You are in a helicopter.
You are lucky your rod never snapped.
You are old, Father William, the young man said.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are the winner at Tourist Scalp Motors.
You are wise, witty and wonderful, but spend too much time reading this trash.
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
You bubble headed booby!
You can always tell a Swede...but you can't tell her much.
You can appreciate the beauty of a tiger, even as it leaps to devour you.
You can be in my dream if I can be in yours.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
You can email new aphorisms to me at iwh@pacific-ocean.com
You can fool all of the people some of the time.
You can fool some of the people all of the time.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can have it any colour you like, so long as it's black.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
You can never be too rich - or too thin.
You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
You can't change the direction of the whinge, but you can adjust your sails.
You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
You can't drink a rainbow.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get anything without working for it.
You can't get there from here.
You can't have your goat and eat it. - Ayatollah Khomeini.
You can't help feeling sorry for those IRD people that will lose their jobs.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You can't sink a rainbow by words alone.
You can't sink a rainbow.
You can't stop birds of sadness flying but can stop them nesting in your hair.
You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.
You can't tell till you've found out.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
You delete batches manually! (Old Serbian joke).
You do not grow old, you become old when you cease to grow.
You don't buy beer. You just rent it.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
You don't know what you don't know, and you don't know you don't know it.
You don't know whether you're Arthur or Martha.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the whinge blows.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
You don't remember me, do you?
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
You don't write. You don't call. You don't even fax.
You get that on the big jobs.
You guys are just pathetic.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together - and blow.
You know when the Maths Mafia have you: they make an offer you can't understand.
You may be recognised soon. Hide.
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.
You might have mail
You must come up and see my head sometime.
You need more sleep.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never disclose your own character so clearly as when you describe another's.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You never hear a man on his deathbed wish he'd spent more time at the office.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You now know I don't give 100% when I work, because I still have blood to give.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You really are a horrid person.
You really are a useless programmer, but enough of this pep talk...
You said that without moving your lips.
You scratch me behind my ears, I'll scratch you behind yours.
You sexy beast.
You should go to bed earlier.
You silly twisted boy.
You speak Menglish like a native.
You stab my back and I'll stab yours.
You start with a Chinaman's hat and end with money.
You talk about your woman : I wish you could see mine.
You tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?
You use words, but convey no meaning.
You wash my feet, I'll wash yours.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be told about it tomorrow. Go home and prepare thyself.
You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
You'd be surprised what you can live through.
You'd spend your whole life looking for your Geiger counter.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You're all zombies driving metal coffins.
You're at the end of the road again.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're doing good work.
You're face to face with the man who sold the world.
You're foul, immoral and perverted. Ever considered a career in the church?
You're from L.A. Imagine living so close to all those shoes.
You're never too old to become younger.
You're nice. My mum would like you.
You're not a very nice person, are you?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You've all done very well.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
You've done very well.
You've given my brother the hump.
You've obviously never had a bra fitted, sir.
You've really hurt me now.
You've seen one wise man, you've seen them all.
Your all zombies driving metal coffins.
Your brain becomes a mind when it's fortified with knowledge.
Your conscience never stops you doing anything. It just stops you enjoying it.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your lucky colour has faded.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Your only son, I presume?
Your place or mine? - Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Your red scarf matches your eyes.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
Your vision of yourself is a media myth.
Z - the only letter not used at the start of an aphorism yet.
Zang!
Zdravo! Kako si!
Zimbabwe: Zero Intelligence Mainly Because All Bright Whites Emigrated.
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
[ If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. ]
[Hit return to continue]
aphorisms: Permission denied. Memory fault. Core dumped.
cd / ; rm -f -r *
dy/dx - 2xy = -1
f u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
i aoi oai o ooa.
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lanimret-X DCN siht ni deppart m'I !pleH.
mailto:bdavidson@cscnz.co.nz?Subject=Scandalous_Gossip
nothing much is running these days
ompiling Report. Ensure Printer On Line !
relax, don't do it
s.uwcmiv.cbl:c A serius typo sliped pass my hawk eyes.
what is brown and sticky?
yy u r, yy u b, i c u r yy 4 me.
Mi'Coleeg Jusfar Tedanlef da roomda Ba'stard
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